Smallville

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Omar G: C | Grade It Now!
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The Big, Gay Cold Shoulder

And here we've made it to the end of another season. It's been up, down, all around in quality. Am I the only one who thinks that the show suffered a major identity crisis this season? Maybe it was I who suffered the identity crisis, and the show just stayed its boring old self. Perhaps seven years is too long to observe a big, dumb alien continue to confound himself and disappoint the rest of us. An eighth season? Well, that's really pushing it, isn't it?

Anyhoo, after a mess of "Previously on..." clips, we hear Michael Rosenbaum tell us, "And now for the season finale of Smallville... and my LIBERATION! WOOOO!" The sun is just over the horizon, casting an orange glow as we see a small jet silhouetted in the sky. We cut to the inside of the plane, where in one of the windows, blue and orange light is flashing. We pull back to reveal that this isn't Lex's plane. We instead see Edward Teague, wearing normal clothing and taking a stiff drink in his seat. I bet it would be really comfortable to fly in monk's robes. It would almost make flying worthwhile. We can gather that Edward Teague is not a man who believes in comfort for comfort's sake. He is alone on the plane. From out of his tan coat pocket, he pulls a passport. A photo of him, still bald and none too happy, sits below the name "ALEJANDRO SANTO." Oh, señor! I had no idea you were gente! ¡Hórale! We see a set of legs walking toward Teague. They are attached to a bright red dress and some blonde hair. It's Kara! Holy crap! The job market must really suck on Krypton if she has to come back here and work for the airline industry. She's got on a flight-attendant-aping ascot. "Another secret identity, Mr. Teague?" she asks. "Excuse me?" he shoots back. The Intrusive Music of Some Bad Shit's About To Go Down starts to play. Kara leans in close and asks why people always go to South America when they're in big trouble. The plantains, maybe? The southernness? The fact that no matter how far south you go, it's still America? Teague pulls the Bad Customer Service card. He says that when he chartered this jet, he was promised that it would be discreet. Also, why hasn't the in-flight movie Made of Honor begun yet? He says he's not interested in having this conversation. Now bring me peanuts, lady. No, pretzels! I definitely want expensive private pretzels! Kara says she's not big on small-talk either. Woman, are you hitting on me? I don't think we're a mile high up yet, so it's not like we can technically join the club. Kara says she'd rather hear about Veritas. Oh, geez, not again. What more do we need to know? It was secret and now it's not secret and everybody's dead. The end. "Who are you?" he asks. Kara, leaning in way too close, says that she's someone who knows The Traveler and who knows that Teague tried to destroy him.

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Smallville

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