Smallville

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The Big, Gay Cold Shoulder

He demands that Brainiac release Chloe and Lana. Brainiac says that the only way to save them is to kill him now in cold blood. He thinks Clark won't do it because he'd never deliberately take another man's life. Clark finds the easy loophole: "You're not a man," he says, "you're a machine. Clark grabs two giant electrical cords and plugs them into either side of Brainiac. Let me get this straight: Brainiac came here for some energy. And you're trying to kill him by... plugging him in to some energy? Brainiac makes painful faces. I guess it's the wrong kind of food and is giving him electrical indigestion. Brainiac says that Clark may kill him, but Clark's own end is near and there's nothing he can do to stop it. Clark takes a third power conduit out of a nearby panel and holds it threateningly at Brainiac. This one goes up your ass, you robot dick! Clark says that Brainiac won't hurt anyone again. He shoves it into Brainiac's chest and light spills out from his mouth and cheeks. Brainiac screams and shakes. He explodes in a flash of light. Little bright particles fly everywhere. Clark looks up to the sky. Far off in space see a familiar space rectangle floating toward us. It's Kara in the Phantom Zone. The rectangle moves to its side and we see a close-up of her eye.

Lana's coma asylum, at night. Clark is walking down a hallway, talking to Chloe on the phone. The gist of the conversation is, "Oh, awesome that you're not practically dead anymore, good for you, I'm going to see Lana." Nice one, Clark. Clark goes to Lana's room and finds it empty and dark. There's a small light on next to the very tiny bed. "Lana," Clark says quietly. A nurse asks if he's Clark Kent. Clark asks where Lana went and if she's all right. "Miss Lang had a full recovery!" the woman says cheerfully. She says it's something of a miracle. The nurse says that Lana has already checked out, but she asked her to give Clark something. She hands Clark a DVD. It can't be good news. Jeez, how long did Clark wait to go visit Lana?

We cut to a TV screen. Lana, bled of all color in what's almost black and white footage, is talking to the video camera. Her face is right up against the camera and she already has tears in her eyes. As corny-ass piano music plays, she tells Clark, via the magic of DVD, that she was going to wait to tell him this in person. But she just happened to have some make-up and a video camera lying around so...The camera pulls back in the room as Lana says that if she'd looked into Clark's eyes, she'd never be able to say this. We cut to Clark watching the TV in his darkened living room. Lana says that they thought they were meant to be together, but the truth is they were fooling themselves. "I need you," she says, "but the world needs you more." Oh GAWD. She says that as long as she's in Clark's life, she's holding him back. We knew this! Back in Season One! Where was your fucking self-realization then? YOU WASTED OUR TIME! We TOLD you guys! We see the shape of a woman coming into the door behind Clark. She's all fuzzy, but it's easy to tell it's Lois. "Please, don't come after me," we hear Lana say from the recording. On TV, Lana is crying. "I love you, Clark," she blubbers. Clark blinks back tears. "... More than you will ever know," Lana says. She smiles through her pain and moves to turn off the recording. We see static, which doesn't make sense on a DVD, but whatever. Clark is crying now. The music isn't helping. His lip quivers. Oh, shut up. You're gonna have one more fling in Season Eight with her, and we all know it. He turns and sees that Lois is in the doorway. He tries to put on a brave face, but he's pretty destroyed. Lois rushes to him and gives him a huge hug. "I'm so sorry," she says quietly Clark cries on her shoulder. We cut to a wider short and pull back as the two of them hug. So... wanna have a beer? And then some sex?

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Smallville

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