Smallville

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The Big, Gay Cold Shoulder

Kent Farm, nighttime. Dark clouds are overhead. Clark stands in the barn loft. He's staring out into the distance. Jimmy has shown up. He calls for Clark from downstairs. Clark pretends not to hear until Jimmy comes upstairs. Jimmy says that Chloe was arrested. "What?" Clark says, dully. Jimmy tells Clark that Chloe was caught hacking and that he made a deal with Lex to protect her. Clark can't believe he made a deal with Lex Luthor. Sorry! Jimmy says that he told Lex to get another lapdog, but that just put Chloe back on the Most Wanted list. Clark asks where he can find Lex. Jimmy reveals that Lex is off jet-setting somewhere around the Arctic Circle. Clark looks surprised. Clark tries to figure out what to do. It involves thinking and that's always a huge bitch.

The Fortress. Lex is there, wearing a long coat. He looks around and sees glowing ice everywhere. This place is AWESOME! He wanders past large, tilted ice columns. He sees a purple glow and follows it. He finds a collection of purple ice dildos. Yes! Ice dildos! It all makes sense now. Lex, wearing gloves, pulls out his large 20-sided orb. It begins to glow light blue from the crest that Lex retrieved in Montreal. Then it disappears into the orb. Clark whooshes in, appearing behind Lex. The orb goes to a light purple. Lex turns around. The final countdown! Big music. "I must admit, Clark. This is a big step up from the barn," Lex says. Clark starts trying to lie his way out of it. He says it's not what Lex thinks and that he doesn't understand. Lex holds up the orb. He says that for the first time, he thinks he does understand. He says Clark lives among us as a mild-mannered farmboy. He says that Clark is a visitor from another planet, secretly plotting our demise. Oh, whatever Lex. You know how many lives Clark has saved now that you know his secret. Clark says that's not what he's doing. They circle each other. Lex says it's a brilliant disguise and Clark doesn't even need a mask. "I'm not your enemy, Lex. I've never done anything to hurt you," Clark tries. Lex is mad that Clark didn't trust him. He says that with everything Clark can do, they could have accomplished so much together. "I would have helped you become a hero," Lex tells him. Clark thinks Lex would have only wanted to help himself. "Right now," Lex says, "I'm doing this for the world." And for the win! FTW! He says he has to protect the human race. Clark says it's his life and Lex has no right to control him. "It's my birthright!" Lex yells. He says that after all his sacrifices and pain, he finally understands that he was being prepared for this greater destiny. Everything led to this moment. "We're both here," Clark says, "we're in that moment." Let's kiss! It's the Gayest Look of the Episode, perhaps the last one ever. Clark says nobody is controlling Lex or forcing him to do this. Lex asks why he should turn his back on his fellow man the way Clark turned his back on him. "I'm sorry, Clark. You are The Traveler." He walks toward the ice dildos. He says that Clark holds the future of the planet in his hands and he's here to take it back. "Lex," Clark says. "You'll never threaten the world again...Kal-El." Lex sticks the orb on the dildo nest as Clark says, "No!" It glows brightly. Lex steps back as orb shoots beams all over the place and at Clark. Already, ice is coming down. Clark falls to the ground. Pieces of ice fall. Some of them bounce. Lex goes to Clark and picks him up, holding him in his arms. "I loved you like a brother," Lex says, "but it has to end this way." Clark, shaking, seems to give a tiny nod as he looks up helplessly at Lex. They stare at each other. Lex says he's sorry. More ice comes down as we pull back, far back, up through the ceiling. Everything is coming down in an animated avalanche. The whole Fortress falls apart and dies. We're looking at an Arctic landscape, and everything is gone except the distant mountains and the moon. So... we go to black.

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Smallville

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