Smallville
Arrival

Episode Report Card
Omar G: B | Grade It Now!
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Oh My Zod!

Hope you all had a good summer. Let's dive right in, shall we?

Previously on Smallville: they had a season finale.

Some weird painted colored lines on the bottom of the screen announce that the show is in HD. Come on, DirectTV -- HD locals, dammit! I still watch the show in standard definition due to my distance from San Antonio, so I'll never know if Lex is any more evil in HD. The flying diamond shard from the end of the last episode flies down to the snowy tundra and burrows into the ground. Clark, in his standard blue shirt and red Members Only jacket, watches. Did his hair get shaggier? There's a huge snowy collapse. The camera superzips back away from Clark so that we can see giant ice shards shooting out of the ground. Frigidaire's president at home yells, "Great God! The next level!" Many CGI shards form a giant...what would you call it? A fortress of some sort? Yet lonely in some strange way. This really could just be a Dentyne Ice commercial. Superzip back to Clark's mild face. He starts trudging in the snow instead of, you know, speeding the fuck past it. We pull back to reveal...ugly modern architecture. It's a fortress of spikeitude. Elaborate music plays. The ice weasels cry, "Goddamn gentrification!"

Clark is inside the ice palace. Beams of icicles criss-cross above. Everything is tinted aqua-blue. Clark steps forward and finds a rack of jutting ice spears with a light coming from within. If you've seen the Superman movie, you've seen this set. An icicle floats out of the rack by itself and presents itself to our alien. What the Kryptonians need is a tasteful and simple labeling system. Clark gives the ice crystal a smoldering look like, "Hey, ice crystal. How you doin'?" The ice crystal tries to float away, but Clark reaches out and grabs it. It glows bright white. That's hot. Er, cold. Clark holds it in his hands, and in its brightness, it suddenly looks like the Giant Dildo of Ultimate Ho to the Yay. Use it wisely, Kal-El. You could rupture some blood vessels. "Kal-El, you have come far," Clark's Kryptonian dad suddenly says. Uh, we weren't doing anything! I was just, um, holding it. Geez, Dad, don't you knock? Heh, Clark has "come far." As Wing Chun says, they don't call this episode "Arrival" because they're trying to be subtle. ["Hey, you weren't supposed to attribute that to me! No one will respect me if they think I work blue!" -- Wing Chun] Jarnelle -- as I'm now calling him based on Clark's pronunciation -- says that one journey has ended and another one begins. Can this one be to an In & Out Burger? Because seriously, Jarnelle, we're starved up in this tundra. The camera pulls away. Yes, those are very pretty ice formations. "Welcome home, my son," Jarnelle says. Where do you guys keep the chips?

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