Episode Report Card
Omar G: B | Grade It Now!
Oh My Zod!

New credits sequence. They're very eh, blocky and three-dimensional. The sequence starts with a meteor hitting something and forming the word "Smallville." Can we wait and see if another meteor forms Veronica Mars or Chappelle's Show: Season 3? We get the meteor storm from the last season finale. Welling, with some serious stubble, rotates around and broods as a scene plays out to his right. That scene breaks up in blocks to show! They totally spelled her name wrong in the credits! Boooo! It's "Kristin," not "Kristen." Way to proofread, new title guys. Hey, I'm not a huge Lana fan, but that's just wrong. Switch to Lex, swinging a CGI-breakable object at Clark. Instead, the screen breaks. Nice big eye, Lex. Next is...Erica Durance as Lois? You're kidding, right? It's gonna be a loooong-ass season. Allison Mack is next, looking, I must say, like a cigarette addict: smoking. John Glover is next, with a return to hair-mane glory. Clark flips a tractor. Annette O'Toole has the soft-focus Glamour Shot, but we love her, so we won't criticize. John Schneider has great hair genes. And he's no longer passing pleasant wind in the titles. More random shots. Clark flies up into the sky. He zooms past the earth, and Al and Miles's names are huge over the Earth under "Developed for Television By."

Al: Take that, suckers. Our names are bigger than Canada.
Miles: Only if you put them together. Separate, they're each about two provinces.
Al: [Sigh.] Miles, why must you always rain on my gigantism?

Commercials. I drive a Prius and even I'm getting sick of these artsy-fartsy Toyota commercials. Like the last five minutes of Six Feet Under weren't enough of a trite ad campaign.

We return to smoke. Yul Brynner? Are you dead and hiding in there? It's a giant dirt crater. Lana lies at the edge of it. She's got a pretty severe black gash on her forehead and Halloween-makeup blood dribbling down both cheeks. How much you wanna bet she'll have flawless skin by the end of the episode? A light glows inside the crater. We see two figures in silhouette. Lana gets up and limps down the hill. To make sure we get it, her entire right thigh on her jeans leg is caked with blood. Lana limps and almost runs into a tall black man, whom I'm told used to appear on Buffy as Forrest. He's got gold eyes and not much in the way of a facial expression. He's the Brother from Another Planet. Then Zena: Warrior PR Goddess shows up with what looks like a steel bustier. Rrowr. Oh, by the way, her real-life first name is "Alana," which should tell you all need to know about how she was cast. Lana turns from Angry PR Lady to Brother from Another and says, "Please don't hurt me?" Why does she only ask the black man that? The PR Warrior Goddess thinks, "Should we make the fans happy by hurting her or not?"

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