Smallville
Smallville

Episode Report Card
Omar G: A- | 767 USERS: B-
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Lex, Scrambled

The barrel-chested Barney who works at the facility marvels at how many people Clark seems to know on the inside. Clark ignores the comment. "Where's Lex?" he asks. Single-minded is the ardent luvah. They find him in the arts and crafts room, still working on his painting. Clark is told he's got ten minutes. Can he get fifteen? Clark looks to Lex with concern. Lex's painting is kind of cool, actually. There's a big half-Lex head on the right edge of the image with its head on fire. (He's flaming!) Next to the flaming head 'o Lex is a blue orb cut raggedly in half. Is it The Earth? Lex sees Clark across the room. O, sweet LOVE! Clark comes over, and Lex gives him a jive handshake. "Clark. I was wondering if I'd ever see you again," he says in awe. They hold jive hands as Clark says he's been trying to get a visit (conjugal?) for a month, but the doctors said Lex wasn't ready. Well, Clark, according to Mariah Carey, love takes time to heal when you're hurting so much. Clark asks if Lex is all right. "I know your secret," he says, smirking. The super one or the gay one? Clark looks up and notices the security camera. Lex glances at it and whispers that he hasn't said a word to anyone. Lex takes Clark by the shoulders and says he needs his buddy to get him out of there. He's seen what Clark can do. Wile E. Coyote is still trying to catch the Road Runner on the TV in the background. Lex says that Clark got hit by a car at 60 mph and tossed it aside like a toy. Clark says he wants to, but.... "Then do it!" Lex commands. He says that Papa Luthor's never gonna let him out, as the sad "Daddy Done Wrong" oboe plays. Lex puts his hands on Clark's pretty face. "You're my friend. Please, Clark. Don't let me rot in this cesspool." I'm expecting Lex to give Clark a big Bugs Bunny kiss right here. Clark says he can't. It's too...too much passion. Too The Sexy. Lex, hurt, backs away. Lex grimaces, and then suddenly lunges at Clark. And not just with his pelvis. Guards bust up Lex's tackle as he calls Clark a bastard and yells that he's never going to forgive Clark for this: "Never!" Chaos ensues as the inmates take over the asylum. "Save me," one gaunt-looking boy asks Clark. Clark gets the hell out of there.

Later, in Lex's isolated cell. (It's not the same padded room from when he was first put away, though.) I swear the sound effects from the beginning of Pink Floyd's "Welcome to the Machine" are playing as an attendant comes in through the metal sliding door to bring in some meds on a tray. "Get up, Curly," the guy says. Lex is lying down on a stainless-steel "bed." He doesn't move. Lex slowly gets up. He moves what looks like a paintbrush converted to a handy shiv. Lex looks up at the attendant and quickly shivs him in the leg. I love a good shiv on TV. The guy screams. Lex covers the guy's mouth and throws him against the wall. The choke hold! The guy falls. Lex takes the guard's tiny baton and keycard, and then lets himself out. Getaway music. Lex runs down the hall just as Barney, holding some towels, spots him. "Hey, Luthor!" Barney calls. Lex doesn't turn. He just extends his mini-baton and waits. Barney slowly comes over, telling Lex he's going to take him back to the room. Lex spins and brutally batons the guy four times about the knees and head. The camera follows Lex in circles as he tries to figure out what to do next. He makes for the unusually spacious and well-lit ventilation system. (Or is it just a secret hallway?) Lex makes it to the ground level as sirens blare. He sprints, barefoot. Two security vans give chase all the way to the barbed-wire fence as Lex tries to climb. He makes it to the top, grabs some barbed wire, and screams. Two guards shoot their Tasers at Lex, electrocufying him. He screams some more and falls to the ground as the currents surge over him. Ow. Lex, with a half-smile on his face, lies on the ground. Somebody checks his pulse. Somebody save him! Luckily, the opening credits echo my plea.

Smallville

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