Smallville
Asylum

Episode Report Card
Omar G: B+ | 3 USERS: A+
YOU GRADE IT
Lex, Scrambled

Mental-hospital hallway. Clark Kent is walking along, escorted by some facility workers. "Well, look who it is," somebody says as he sees Clark walking by. Hey! It's Van McNulty! My favorite-named Krytovillain ever! (Even if he was actually anti-Krypto for a while. Still.) How's it hanging, McNulty? Not very well, apparently. Van tries to make a tackle at Clark, but is intercepted by a worker. "You're the one that should be in here!" McNulty yells. Boy. That guy's totally McNults!

Clark continues walking, and another guy recognizes him. "Hey, Kent," says Supernerd from "Leech." With his glasses and combed-back hair, he looks a little like Hayden Christensen in Shattered Glass. "Struck by lightning lately?" Supernerd asks. Huh? How about, "Hey, Clark, when I get out of here, I'm gonna fucking kill you!" Or, "Hey hey, gay Ray, whaddaya say?" But, honestly. "Struck by lightning lately"? How is that in any way menacing or threatening? "Struck by lightning lately? Because I've been taking Zeus classes and I'm gonna shoot some bolts at you! Run, bitch!" They didn't even pick the really good Kryptovillains to bring back. This is like the Junior Varsity Single TV Appearance Team. Why you gotta ruin things, Smallville? Supernerd gives Clark a little head nod as if he said one of the things I suggested, and is led away.

But the fun's not over! Jonathan Taylor Thomas -- Tool Boy from "Dichotic" -- wheels a cart down the hallway, looking even shorter than I remember. I feel like I'm watching Lord of the Rings again. Over his shoulder, Tool Boy says, "Tell my two favorite ex-girlfriends I said hello." He really thinks he's Mini-Val Kilmer, doesn't he?

The barrel-chested Barney who works at the facility marvels at how many people Clark seems to know on the inside. Clark ignores the comment. "Where's Lex?" he asks. Single-minded is the ardent luvah. They find him in the arts and crafts room, still working on his painting. Clark is told he's got ten minutes. Can he get fifteen? Clark looks to Lex with concern. Lex's painting is kind of cool, actually. There's a big half-Lex head on the right edge of the image with its head on fire. (He's flaming!) Next to the flaming head 'o Lex is a blue orb cut raggedly in half. Is it The Earth? Lex sees Clark across the room. O, sweet LOVE! Clark comes over, and Lex gives him a jive handshake. "Clark. I was wondering if I'd ever see you again," he says in awe. They hold jive hands as Clark says he's been trying to get a visit (conjugal?) for a month, but the doctors said Lex wasn't ready. Well, Clark, according to Mariah Carey, love takes time to heal when you're hurting so much. Clark asks if Lex is all right. "I know your secret," he says, smirking. The super one or the gay one? Clark looks up and notices the security camera. Lex glances at it and whispers that he hasn't said a word to anyone. Lex takes Clark by the shoulders and says he needs his buddy to get him out of there. He's seen what Clark can do. Wile E. Coyote is still trying to catch the Road Runner on the TV in the background. Lex says that Clark got hit by a car at 60 mph and tossed it aside like a toy. Clark says he wants to, but.... "Then do it!" Lex commands. He says that Papa Luthor's never gonna let him out, as the sad "Daddy Done Wrong" oboe plays. Lex puts his hands on Clark's pretty face. "You're my friend. Please, Clark. Don't let me rot in this cesspool." I'm expecting Lex to give Clark a big Bugs Bunny kiss right here. Clark says he can't. It's too...too much passion. Too The Sexy. Lex, hurt, backs away. Lex grimaces, and then suddenly lunges at Clark. And not just with his pelvis. Guards bust up Lex's tackle as he calls Clark a bastard and yells that he's never going to forgive Clark for this: "Never!" Chaos ensues as the inmates take over the asylum. "Save me," one gaunt-looking boy asks Clark. Clark gets the hell out of there.

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Smallville

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