Smallville
Asylum

Episode Report Card
Omar G: B+ | 3 USERS: A+
YOU GRADE IT
Lex, Scrambled

Smallville Medical Center. Wow, there are quite a lot of extras at the front entrance. Inside, Lana -- wearing a pink muscle shirt and red shorts -- is walking slowly on two physical-therapy rails as a therapist guides her along. Lana struggles and winces to take another step. Somewhere, an evil horse is laughing. The therapist tells Lana that's enough for today. She echoes that to Adam, a guy doing leg lifts on a weight set. "I know my limits," Adam says. The therapist -- who looks like she could be related to Sheriff Cheshire -- tells Adam he'll overdo it. He says that if he listened to people like her, he'd still be in bed. Scary Therapist tells Lana she did good work, and calls her "sweetie." Adam -- a grinning doofus in the Wes Bentley mold -- tells Lana, "Hurts, doesn't it?" Lana, on crutches now, agrees. Poor Man's Wes Bentley strides right in Lana's way and says she's getting off way too easy. "Excuse me?" Lana says. PM'sWB says that Lana has to work through the pain. He lays down some crap about how this country never would have been built if people had just given up. Because all of the Founding Fathers were stomped by horses before they wrote the Declaration of Independence. They were originally going to call it The Declaration of Ow My Fucking Back! Lana echoes my sentiment. Or maybe I echo her. I've kind of given up trying to figure out what I think of Lana. It's like a boil you forget is there until it flares up. PM'sWB asks if Lana broke her leg at cheerleading practice. Dirty look from Lana. PM'sWB seriously asks what happened. Lana says that a horse got spooked, and she ended up under its hooves. Oh, glorious day. PM'sWB introduces himself and goes back into Asshole Mode, saying they both know Lana has one more lap on the walker in her. "How 'bout not?" Lana asks. That was a sentence? The dude bullshits about the word "struggle" and how it's a credo here. He's Lord of Physical Therapy? Lana says she hasn't walked in a month. PM'sWB says that attitude won't get her up a flight of stairs. Lana asks if he's always this obnoxious. I'm guessing yes. PM'sWB (he also looks a little like Jimmy Fallon if Fallon were a little younger and sleeker) says he bets Lana has a boyfriend who always protects her. He urges Lana to fight her own fight. Then he exits, leaving Lana intrigued and with a bit of the burning thigh sweats, I'm guessing.

More noises from Pink Floyd as Papa Luthor enters Lex's cell. Lex is now confined by metal rails on the steel bed. Lex looks like a human catcher's mask. (Appropriate.) "Hello, Lex," Papa Luthor purrs. He chuckles that Lex was making good progress. Lex turns his head -- the only part of him that can move -- and says that Papa taught him to tackle adversity head-on. Papa says that Lex should have taken his meds. He says that the institution isn't the enemy. Lex says he's better now. He says he doesn't need the meds. Lex says that the story about Papa Luthor's killing his parents was a paranoid delusion. Lex tells him he's managed to claw his way back from the abyss. Papa Luthor leans in and says that's irrelevant now: when Lex tried to escape, he sabotaged Papa's efforts to have him released. Oh, that's just bunk. Lex smiles and says he's cured, and that a cured patient doesn't belong in a hospital. Papa Luthor pretends to get emotional, and says it's painful to see Lex like this. He strokes Lex's cheek and his eyebrows. Lex changes his tune and says the only thing Papa Luthor is worried about is staying out of prison. "I'm not insane and you know it," says Lex. Papa Luthor says it's sad to see a crazy person, but tragic when that person believes he's sane. "You son of a bitch," Lex whispers. Then he moves his head to try to take a bite out of Papa Luthor's finger. Papa backs away in horror. Lex yells that Papa Luthor is insane. He screams, "You did this to me!" Scream. Scream again. Lots of screaming. Lex growls and bares his teeth as Papa Luthor makes a retreat.

Now it's time for Oz, the lame, white-boy version. Tool Boy and Supernerd go to Van McNulty's room to go give him some grief. Tool Boy calls him "Ku Klux Van." Hee. Van McNulty tells the freaks to get out of his "grill." Supernerd -- offended by this profanity from another dimension -- tells McNulty to watch his mouth. Tiny, wee Tool Boy tells Van McNulty that they heard about his one-man ethnic cleansing campaign. McNulty feigns ignorance. Tool Boy picks up an animal skull of a shelf and says that McNulty was picking off Kryptofreaks like it was the first day of hunting season. "And now you're stuck in here with all us ducks. Quack quack," says Supernerd, the most ineffectual villain of all time. McNulty tries to walk away, but they stop him. Tool Boy makes him a proposition: they want to get Clark Kent, and they hear McNulty knows his weakness. Tool Boy says they want to sample "the sweet taste of revenge." Supernerd says he can leach Clark's powers and break them out. Supernerd explains how he took Clark's powers with a lightning blast, and Clark took them back with a high-voltage shock. You know, after all this time, that doesn't sound so...wait, no, it still sounds stupid. "How do I know I can trust you freaks?" McNulty asks. "The enemy of your enemy is your friend," Tool Boy says. Er...maybe he should just not talk anymore. McNulty is thinking, "Why did I get stuck with the two lamest guest villains in the history of the show?"

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