Hello, everyone! Hope you had a lovely summer. I spent mine cleaning up poop and listening to horrible cries at night. On a completely separate matter, my wife and I also had a baby girl. Her name is Lilly Grace. The show did not inspire us to use all those Ls, we swear.
I don't even remember what happened last season, such is the state of my baby-making brain, but I'll fill in the blanks as we go, I guess. We open on a calm stream in the daytime. A boy is complaining to his dad that the fish aren't biting. Child, you will fish and you will like it, until the foul memories of our ruined lives make spiritual bait for The Big One! Now, FISH! The father, really done up in the entirety of the L.L. Bean catalog, tells the son that this is the best fishing spot on Earth. I think the gentlemen on Bassmasters would disagree with you, sir. The man tells his son to be patient. Their dog, who must suffer the humiliation of being made to wear a red bandanna, thinks fishing sucks, too. The dog notices before the man and his son that Reeves Dam has a giant hole in it. If you freeze-frame it, it looks like the guy who does t-shirts at the mall airbrushed a hole and gushing purple and white water coming out of the dam. Gnarly, dude! He should put the Rush logo above it. The camera shakes a little for emphasis.
We cut to somewhere within the dam's ruins as Lois is dragging Chloe's unconscious body across some water. Lois tells "Chlo" to hang on.
There's a big crash. Outside, more of the dam is falling apart. Lex, sitting in the back of a police cruiser after getting arrested, looks at it. This does not bode well for a speedy trial. The dam completely falls apart and floods the bridge where the police car is sitting. In the resulting flood, we see the police car get washed away. They're going to wash that crime right out of our hair.
Clark Kent, he of the bright red jacket and blue t-shirt, wakes up in the woods. He took out an entire tree when his body flew up against it. I hope you plan on planting a sapling to make up for that later, Kent. Clark looks around, sensing danger. You don't have Spidey-Sense, dude. A Clark-shaped missile lands next to him. Clark looks up. It's Extra Crispy Bizarro Clark. Bizarro's face goes from fragmented and silver to Clark-colored. The camera angle is low and Extra-Crispy Clark is huge! Original Recipe Clark says that he has to get back to the dam and help those people. Bizarro kicks him in the face. Original Clark smashes into a rock and makes it fall apart. He's really making a mess of this wooded area. Give a hoot, Clark! Bizarro Clark, who is affecting a low, watery, almost Jame Gumb-like accent, asks whether Regular Clark ever wonders what would happen to the humans if he wasn't there to protect them. Gee -- Iraq, maybe? Clark stands. He's got a bloody lip. He wipes it with his sleeve (it's all right, the jacket's already red) and says that Bizarro knows nothing about him. Au contraire, mon frère! Bizarro says that he knows everything about Clark. He didn't just borrow Clark's DNA: he also took Clark's memories and thoughts, "every last twisted one of them." Now, for some weird reason, he really loves twisted cinnamon stick pie. Mmmm, pie. Bizarro says that when he's living Clark's life, he won't make the same mistakes. He steps forward into a very fake-looking shaft of sunlight. Bizarro's face goes all metallic again. When he swings, Original Recipe Clark is able to block the punch, Daniel-san-style. All that fence painting and car washing paid off! Regular Clark hits Bizarro with an uppercut. Bizarro goes flying through a tree, breaking it in half. That's two saplings now, Clark. Bizarro keeps sailing off and takes down a set of power lines. Well, I guess that's all there is to worry about now and -- oh no, rushing water!
All the water from the dam is heading perilously toward the fishing kid, his dad, and their dog. Maybe now this'll be the best fishing spot on Earth. Fishing Dad grabs his slack-jawed boy and tells him to run. The father trips and hits his head on the world's tiniest boulder. Somehow, he knocked himself out with a rock that could have easily fallen into his shoe. The kid, who maybe would be better off in foster care anyway, tries to wake up the father. The water is coming! Then, suddenly, it freezes. In Clark-time, our hero stands in front of the rising tide (how is the tide rising at this point?) and aims his hot peepers at it. His heat vision sends hot energy (mind magma, if you will) through the entire rushing river. He boils and boils and boils. The entire contents of the dam suddenly dissipate into hot steam. It's like a sauna out here! "We really needed that water, Clark," the woodland creatures say. "Thanks so much." Rather than Clark's heat vision having singed and destroyed everything around, the woods look just fine. I call bullshit. Clark gives the kid, who should be dead from all the hot geothermal activity, a little smile and a nod, and zips off. "Whoa!" the kid mutters. "Hey, by the way, my dad is still unconscious. I don't think he's breathing. Do you think you could help me get him to the hospital, Mister? You have to run off and do other things? Oh, all right. I'll just stay here and cry then. Thanks, Mister!"