Smallville

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Follow Me. Zor-Else!

Clark tells Jarnelle, in his own house, that he's wrong and that they need to help Lara. (Sigh...) My son, the idiot. Jarnelle says that everything Zor-El did was motivated by power and greed. Clark holds up the blue dildo like it's a knife and he wants to stab somebody. Lara's voice tells Clark that she's running out of time and that he needs to hurry. Jarnelle tells Clark not to let human emotions cloud his judgment. Wow, do you know Clark at all? Of course he's going to screw things up. Learn reverse-psychology, Dad. Defiantly, Clark says, "I won't turn my back on my mother!" He does a hilarious spin move in the wrong direction and shoves the blue dildo into the Ice Dildo Rack of Destiny. Everything goes dark. The rack glows brightly. Clark turns. All of the stadium lights in the Fortress start to illuminate. We hired a guy to set this up after we saw The Temptations in concert. It really livens up the place. There's also a TV that rolls out of the big ice cabinet in the back. And we bought a mini-fridge to keep beer in the living room during football games. A blue ray of energy shoots from the ice rack, through Clark's chest, and toward a nearby empty area. The rope of energy pools together and forms Lara's body. Lots of white flashing lights. "Jor-El?" Lara, wearing a white gown, asks. Er...awkward! Clark says he's Kal-El. Lara can't believe it. "My son!" she says. "My beautiful boy!" Clark looks childlike and humbled. It's awfully cute. "You're a man," she says. A natural man. A full-grown man. All kinds of man up in here. Literally a few times. She hugs Clark. He's in heaven. The camera goes wide and pans down to reveal a sneaky actor hanging out among the ice walls. I bet he's going to do some acting for us.

Opening credits. Commercials. Alicia Keys has a new album out. It's called, Even If He Were Single, Omar G. Would Not Have A Shot With Me. It's burning up the charts.

Kent Farm. Clark opens the front door and brings Lara in. We see a very cute picture of a much younger Clark nearby. Would it be weird if I said that photo makes him look like a darker-haired version of Caruso from Everybody Hates Chris? Clark asks Lara is she feels all right. She's super, thanks for asking. She looks around the house and says it's like a dream. A dream that we must re-decorate immediately. Clark says that when he heard her voice coming from the crystal, she sounded like she was in trouble. She says the last thing she remembers was the world exploding around her. That does sound like trouble. She says Clark must have heard her cries. They walk to the kitchen. She says she knew Clark's father was working on a plan, but she didn't think he'd send her forward in time through a portal. Yeah, about that...Clark is going to explain how she got here. He's interrupted by Kara, who walks into the room. "Aunt Lara!" she says. They hug. Kara says her dad put her on a ship and sent her away in the nick of time. Lara says Lara must have come from her crystal. Clark looks guilty. He looks away. "You had it all this time?" Kara asks him. It was a pretty dildo! He couldn't resist. Lara asks what crystal they're talking about. Clark says she didn't come through a portal. "Zor-El," Lara says, with a bit of disgust. "His technology...it worked!" she says. Boy, did she marry the wrong El. They could have made a fortune! How was she supposed to know, though? His only other invention was a machine for evenly spreading peanut butter and jelly on sandwich bread, but it ended up killing five people. Kara asks if that means her father is here, too. Lara thinks that Zor-El is likely right behind her. ACK! Turn around, then. It would be awesome if he really were standing right behind her. But he's off auditioning for a Gilbert and Sullivan production right now. Lara says he's dangerous. And dramatic. Kara stares down Clark. Clark says it doesn't matter because there's three of them and one of him. Not if Kara switches sides. Kara has a lot to think about. It would be a lot easier to do in much less clothing, she decides.

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Smallville

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