Smallville

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Omar G: D+ | Grade It Now!
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Follow Me. Zor-Else!

Commercials. I wish you could see this awesome local news promo. It's a story about a giant six-foot bird that people are calling, "San Antonio's Mystery Bird." So goddamned funny.

LuthorCorp. Usually, we'd go straight to the hospital, but instead, we're still in Papa Luthor's office, where a team of paramedics is carrying Papa out on a stretcher and investigators are going, "Yes. It looks like something really broke the crap out of this window. I'm going to write that down. It's almost like we're in some kind of bad local play. And it's going to get really shitty reviews." As he's being wheeled out, Papa Luthor calls out for Clark. A paramedic tells him to lie still. "I have to speak to Clark!" he says. Clark comes around the corner and announces that he's here. Get used to it! Papa tells him that Zor-El is looking for a woman named Lara. He will also accept: Meryl Streep, Dame Judi Dench, or Helen Mirren.

Daily Planet. Lois, freshly schtupped, goes to her desk, carrying a cup of coffee from Starfucks. I meant Starbucks. No, I didn't. She says "Hey" to Chloe. She asks what's the latest headline. "Busy. Writing. Story," Chloe says angrily. Oh, awesome, I was just fucking the bo-- er, I mean, I am...also...writing...story? Only, my writing method involves my naked vagina on a desk. Hemingway wrote that way. Lois says that someone woke up on the right side of the bed this morning. WRONG! It's "wrong" side of the bed! Get it together, Lane! You're a disaster! Buy a book of quotations! Chloe, rolling her eyes, says sarcastically, "At least I woke up in my own bed." How sad is that? Lois asks what that's supposed to mean. She says she told Chloe she was working on a story. It was called, How To Fuck Your Boss And Ruin Your Career In 69 Easy Steps Chloe, giving Lois the dagger eyes, asks if it was a story about a reporter and her editor getting an exclusive between the sheets. Stop the presses! What a scoop! Lois says nothing, for once. Chloe raises her eyebrows. She gets out of her chair to storm off dramatically. From way off in the distance, I hear Zor-El clap his hands slowly and say, "Bravo! Bravo, young actress. I applaud thee!"

Lois follows Chloe. Lois insists that this wasn't just acting on impulse. Lois says it's not like she did a double-Gaynor blindly off a cliff. Is that what the kids are calling it these days? And who's Cliff? Chloe says that of all the people in the world, Lois had to end up with her editor. She hisses it in a whisper, but it's plenty loud for the people around them to hear. Lois says she may have strayed into the minefield of inappropriate romance, but that it had nothing to do with her getting hired or getting ahead. Oh, really? You really believe that, Lois? You really believe it doesn't give you an advantage over other reporters to have the ear of your editor on your pillow? You really don't think it influences the assignments you get, the trips you get to take, or how receptive your editor is to your story ideas? That's really what you think is the truth? Because I really feel like we should just be done with Lois. I've given her the benefit of the doubt and, in her deeds and her actions, she continually proves to be a dumb shit. Lois Lane on Smallville is a dumb shit who really believes the stupid dumb shit words that come out of her dumb shit mouth. Can we trade her in? Please?

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Smallville

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