Calling (1)

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Omar G: B | Grade It Now!
Snideface: The Revenge

Ambulance going down a deserted road. Inside, Snideface is strapped in. Jr. Doctor in the passenger seat asks a paramedic if there's been any change. The paramedic says that Snideface will be out for hours. If by "hours," you mean a few seconds. Snideface slowly opens his eyes. Outside the ambulance, we see the vehicle stop and a bunch of electrical light flash inside. We come around the back and see the back doors open and lots more flash and fog coming from within. Let the midnight special shine a light on me.

Back at the rehearsal dinner, Clark has stood up and is clicking his glass with a fork. He should be smashing it. Clark asks for everyone's attention. He says he thinks Lex chose him to speak because he knows how comfortable Clark is speaking in front of people. Scattered chuckling. Who's the babe sitting behind Lex and Dropkick? Clark says he's been looking through every book, from Socrates to Shakespeare, and he has yet to get past the table of contents. And who's this Socrates guy anyway? Wasn't he in Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure? Clark says he was trying to find words to describe how Lex and Dropkick feel about each other. As if he has any inkling whatsoever. Clark says there are no words for it. His years of experience on the matter of love shine wisdom on us all. Clark says that when you have it, you believe in it. You take a chance on it. He looks at Lana. He says you're willing to sacrifice anything to keep it, no matter the cost. Like, say, sacrificing Chloe and screen time for Pete and any other interesting romantic possibilities for Clark or character development or a lead actress who doesn't favor pink or a damned interesting storyline that doesn't involve crying or abandonment. Oh, I'm sorry, I was thinking of what the producers sacrificed this season to give Lana more screen time. My bad. Clark says, "To [Dropkick] and Lex." Everybody toasts. Lex and Dropkick kiss. Clark drinks. Lex stands up and gives Clark a hug. Sadly, this is the most affection we've seen between the two in ages. Lex whispers to Clark that it was a good speech. Just then, we hear a high pitched noise. Clark, dog-like, reacts to it in pain. Lana looks on in horror. Lex asks what's up. Clark excuses himself to get some air. MamaKent and Bo follow. Lana just looks around. Clark tells Bo and MamaKent that it's "the key," and that he has to get home. He superzips out of there without Lana or Lex or anybody noticing.

One superzip later...Clark is at the barn. He sees that the toolbox where he hid the ship key has been ransacked. He goes over to look. Snideface appears. "I came looking for you," he says. He's holding the octagonal key. Clark approaches Snideface. "You...are the one," Snideface says, backing away. Clark tells him that he needs help. "No. You need to die," Snideface says. He holds up his hand, makes his face look all old, and blasts Clark. Stop, in the name of the season finale! Clark explodes through the side of the barn. He lands hard on the ground outside. Snideface comes at Clark. Clark holds his stomach. Snideface busts another energy beam at Clark's chest. Clark looks pained. Snideface raises Clark off the ground with pure energy. Clark rises about fifteen feet. As he's in the air, struggling, Clark's eyes light up. He ejaculates a beam of heat at Snideface. Snideface, with a nasty shoulder burn, lets go of Clark with his beam. They both hit the ground. As they both get up, Clark tells Snideface that he's making a mistake. Snideface says he's doing it for mankind. And the kids. Snideface loves them kids. Clark superzips away as Snideface shoots another energy beam. Clark hides behind a fuel tank, and Snideface shoots right at it. It explodes. Snideface screams. FIRE! Snideface, I will truly miss you. He's now extra-crispy Snide. In fact, Clark goes over, and we see a nasty black hand sticking up. Yeah, I'd say it's time to mark another supporting character off the bios list.

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