Opening credits. Somebody saaaaaaave me! From all this hetero! Smallville doth protest too much.
Commercials. Talking monkeys? Hilarious. Talking monkeys selling organic shampoo? Suddenly, not so hilarious.
Kent Kitchen the next morning. It pains me to say it, but equal time is equal time: We never saw Lana leave the barn. There. I said it. Behold the new Smallville: Now with 90% more Straight! Clark -- wearing jeans and a red sweater -- bounds down the stairs like he just stepped out of a salon. A sex salon. MamaKent is stirring something up in a bowl. She asks about Clark's "party." Clark does a take. "So you're the one who told Lana," he says. MamaKent -- who is officially TV pregnant since last week with the belly -- says she feels bad that they never made a to-do out of Clark's birthdays when he was growing up. They were afraid he'd pin the tail on the donkey and take out a wall. She says that it's a huge part of childhood, and that she feels guilty. Clark says she can fix all the mistakes she made with him with the next kid. They're gonna spoil that kid like bananas in a plastic bag in my fridge. "So, um...Last night?" MamaKent asks, in a way that is wholly inappropriate for a mom to ask her teenaged son. Well, most moms. Fine, my mom. But I did know kids growing up who had mothers who were dirtier than we were. One of them used to call her son downstairs and he'd yell, "I'm coming!" and she'd yell back, "No you're not, you're just breathing hard!" I know. Ew. But back to MamaKent: Ew. Clark gives her a funny look and says, in maybe his best line reading all season, "Are you prying?" "Okay, never mind," MamaKent says, equally playful. Whups, no more sex talk. Bo Duke just walked in. You know, that sex talk isn't going to just repress itself. Lex follows Bo Duke in. "Look what the cat dragged in," Bo says. Nice way to treat a guest, assmunch. And doesn't that make you the cat, Bo? MamaKent offers Lex breakfast. Lex looks at the bowl and says he can't stay. He came to ask the Kents a favor. Lex says that he knows they've had their differences (Bo likes cows; Lex prefers the warm, but firm caress of an ox), but that he'd like the Kents to sit at his wedding rehearsal dinner table since his own parents won't be there. Bo bites his lip. He does his looking-down-burp look. Clark smiles like, "Yes, maybe I can't show it anymore, but that's my man!" and MamaKent seems also pleased. Bo says they'd be honored. Lex says that leaves one empty seat at the table, next to Clark. "Any suggestions?" Lex asks. Clark smiles and takes a sip of orange juice. Wait, does that mean Clark is bringing a date from Florida?