Episode Report Card
Omar G: C+ | Grade It Now!
Club Dead

Lois walks in just then, wearing a beige Robert Stack trenchcoat, letting the door hit the wall as she says, "Hey!" She starts talking as Clark hides his papers. Holding a cup of coffee and carrying her bags, Lois says that she couldn't find proof of the Chupacabra in the Everglades (did you try Mexico?), and that her editor now wants to downsize her. Maybe the editor meant to get her a breast reduction. She says that if she doesn't come up with a good story idea in the next forty-eight hours, she can say "adios" to her weekly paycheck. Maybe you should have said "adios" in a place other than Florida. Lois notices the images on Chloe's computer screen and asks if that's a story. Chloe tries to hide it. Lois lies that normally she'd be hands-off, but that "this puppy needs a bone." Woof. She begs Chloe for help. Chloe says that there's no story for the Inquisitor. Clark suggests that, after a shower and a cappuccino, Lois will think of something. Well, Lois showering always seems to give the writers of this show some ideas. Chloe offers to give Lois some room. Chloe and Clark leave Lois alone. With all their stuff left behind. Smart. Lois snarks that she could have used a little help. She notices a paper in the trash as she throws away her coffee cup. She uncrumples the paper: a photo of Kane and the announcer. Nice one, Chloe. You really need to invest in a shredder. Lois notices some writing on the back wall of the photo: "FR-44." She has a lightbulb moment. "Fort Ryan, Hangar 44," she says out loud.

Commercials. America's Next Top Model. Models are mad! Use it, girls! Use it! Fierce! (Can you tell I don't really watch that show?)

"FR-44" is stenciled into the ground of the very shiny floor where the arena is housed. That it was military explains the drab exterior. I hope no veterans get harmed in this episode, because who knows what hospital they'll be sent to. As funky music plays, Lois walks down the hall. Wearing the scariest tight red leather suit ever. Like, even Eddie Murphy is going, "Damn! That's too over the top!" Lois is wearing sunglasses along with this shiny red suit. She looks like the damn backseat of a red convertible. And I'm not sure that's a coincidence. She approaches a set of bars leading into a room full of computers. This plan is so retarded it just might work. Lois takes off her sunglasses and acts like she knows what's doing. Her makeup is applied in a way that makes her look not so much sexy as waxen. She opens the cell-like door and enters the computer room. Nobody's around, and the computer screens are all blue and read, "OFFLINE." She looks like she can barely walk. Ashley -- sporting the huge ta-tas, now held back in a convenient black strip of fabric that covers nothing -- appears behind Lois and says, "Hey, Puss in Boots, where ya going?" Oy. Lois. Red leather. Puss. Boots. It makes you want to use your thumbnails to claw your eyes out.

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