Episode Report Card
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A Meteor Sandwich

It's our last dance for the season, you fine person, you. Will you share it with me?

This ninety-minute episode (give or take) is a prelude to the Batman Begins trailer (recap sold separately), so we get an incredibly goofy intro shot where the Smallville logo is sitting on top of the Batman wing logo. It's as dumb-ass as it sounds.

We begin with a rare set of "Previously on Smallville" clips, including: Clark getting psychologically schooled by Jor-El; the three Gay Stones of Knowledge (knowledge sold separately); Ned the Prison Nerd identifying that they stand for air, fire and water; Evil Clark flying; Chloe discovering Clark's secret; Clark and Lana getting back together; Mulana-Fu; Jason falling off the cliff; Evil Lex saying that he's the villain of this story. Damn, that's a lot of linking.

And now...the finale! Music of the Pensive Princess plays as Lana enters her Talon apartment at night. Jane Seymour -- one of the many people who just show up at Lana's place without a key -- walks right up from the shadows and says she has to applaud Lana. In what looks like a Chanel business suit covering a fugly black turtleneck, Jane is bitter that she raised Jason to have strong willpower, but that it wasn't enough to make him resist falling in love with Lana. Haven't you been watching the show, lady? That's its central premise. Lana strides across the room and asks, very seriously, "What do you want from me?" The Power of Pink! She must have it! Hand over the preternatural! "The stone," Jane says simply. Oh yeah. That. Jane wants the one Papa Luthor gave to Lana. Except that he didn't. Lana starts to say that he never gave her a stone, but, whups, Jane has pulled a gun on her. Jane -- a long way from Dr. Quinn -- is going to find that stone, dammit. Lana makes a few faces, then digs in her purse. It's a travel-sized Gay Stone of Knowledge, so she can take it just about anywhere. Lana uncovers the stone from its red silk wrap. Yep, that's a thing, all right. Jane just stares at it like it's the briefcase in Pulp Fiction, giving Lana time for a Pwetty Pwincess Woundhouse Kick! Lana tries to run, but Jane grabs her by the hair. She throws Lana against a lamp, then toward a baker's rack. Lana falls hard on it. More wrestling. Jane pushes Lana up against some shelves. This is some hardcore shit right here. The Overly Praised Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling!

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