It's Jimmy and Chloe's engagement party (aren't they a little poor to be throwing one of those) and guess who's completely drunk? Lois Lane. She embarrasses herself, and all of television, really by expressing her doubts out loud about the happy couple. Clark intervenes, but it's not anyone who knows them would be surprised by Lois's binge drinking and diarrhea of the vocal chords. The next morning, Lois wakes up at Clark's farm. She and Clark discover, upon arriving back in Metropolis, that Chloe and Jimmy have gone missing.
After the party, a guy in an alley shot them both with tranquilizers, tied them up to some car batteries and played Truth or Dare with a lie detector. The costumed questioner asks them about the relationship to determine if they're ready to be married. When this happened to me, we just called it having a Catholic wedding. Anyhoo, the guy has killed other couples who failed the test. His motivation? Someone broke his heart once. Jimmy fails a question about having cheated on Chloe because of last week's kiss with Maxima, but Chloe gets the question right where she says she's not in love with anyone but Jimmy. The Masked Truthinator lets them go, and they're all lovey-dovey about it. Jimmy later confesses to Chloe that he's not what he seems. It turns out his parents aren't coming to the wedding because he never knew his mother and his dad is an alcoholic Oklahoma car mechanic. Jimmy is so ashamed, he lied about it to everyone. That's his deep, dark secret? That's it? Chloe says it's fine. Wow. Drama.
Meanwhile, Lois and Clark investigate. They link the disappearance to that of several other engaged couples. They pose as lovebirds, much to Clark's annoyance. Going through a list of vendors, they come upon a strange guy selling engagement rings. He's our evildoer. After letting Chloe and Jimmy go, he goes after Lois and Clark. He also happens to wear a Kryptonite bracelet, which is how he gets Clark into the lie-detecting contraption. Lois is asked if she loves Clark and she's forced to say she does. Before Clark has to answer the same question, he breaks free and saves the day. Things are awkward between Clark and Lois at work. She blames her answer about loving Clark on her own craftiness. If only. Clark is left to wonder how he actually feels about Lois. It hurts his brain even more than usual thinking does. So, Clark and Lois are supposed to end up together. We get it. Does it have to feel drawn-out and too sudden all at the same time?
Meanwhile, on a whole other soap opera, Oliver asks Tess out to dinner. She agrees, but instead of going out, she forces Ollie to spar with her in the Former Lair of Lex. They work up a sweat and keep that going by totally doing it. The next morning, Oliver offers to take Tess to Malibu, but she coldly brushes him off. She brings up the time he cheated on her with a hostess and says he was just scratching an itch she had. Oliver is hurt because he's apparently never seen the movie Boomerang.
We're halfway through a 10-episode, no-rerun stream of episodes and so far, I haven't collapsed into a heap of hurt just yet. Is this how marathoners feel on the 13th mile? "I can do this! I think I'm really gonna make it!" And then three miles later, you're lying on the side of the road, writhing in convulsions. If this episode doesn't bend me over and make me hurl, I think I might make it.
Onward! We open on a not-so-tasty image. A "Congratulations Jimmy & Chloe!" cake has been shoved in our faces. It actually features their heads and upper bodies on it and the chef wasn't kind enough to omit a sweater vest on Jimmy. Good heavens. Their cake visages are surrounded by little orange roses. I bet the producers had this cake and ate it, too. Photos are being snapped as Jimmy cuts the cake. The camera is pulling back and we see a room full of partygoers at The Talon. Jimmy is wearing a tuxedo and Chloe is dressed in a pretty, low-cut formal dress that matches the roses on the cake. I thought the two of them were struggling financially. They suddenly have money to throw a big party? Who owns The Talon these days, by the way? Jimmy apologizes for cutting off Chloe's head with the cake knife. That's nice, but the writers are mostly to blame for cutting out most of her brain. "Who wants cake?" he asks. About 50 extras. The camera pulls further back to reveal Lois drinking herself into a stupid stupor. She's at the open bar downing glasses of champagne. Her boobs are in Escape Pod mode. As Clark walks up beside her, Lois orders another glass of "The bubbly" and a Shirley Temple "for the lady." Ha! Well, not really. It would have been funnier if she'd said, "and a feminine wash for my friend's vagina." But I know Lois is not that crude. Clark fake-smiles and asks if she shouldn't pace herself with the alky-haul. Lois reminds him that she's way more obnoxious when she's sober. True dat, Lois. True dat. Lois says the last thing anyone wants is for her to make a scene at "This blessed event." Yes, let's start the countdown, shall we? Lois, not very slurry at this point, says that Chloe is "Barely legal" (woooo!) and that she's getting hitched to the first guy who's shown any interest in her. "Present company excepted," she says to Clark. Lois says she speaks from the experience of heartache. She says she knows real love and that looking at Jimmy and Chloe (she looks over to them; they look very happy), she's just not seeing it. Clark asks if she's not just jealous that she's getting beaten to the altar. Oh, God, I wish someone would beat Lois at the altar. So deserved. Lois says it's not a competition. "So why are you keeping score?" Clark asks. He thinks she should just show a little support. Devil-eyed, Lois says, "You want support? I'll show you support." Oh shits! Stop her! She's the Terminator of busty binge drinkers! Lois stands up on her stool. She takes a spoon and starts tapping on her champagne glass to call for a toast. Now, she decides to act drunk and slur all her words. They call it acting! Bravo! James Lipton just peed himself a little bit. Lois introduces herself in the most wobbly way possible. She's the cousin and the maid of honor. Chloe grins broadly. Jimmy starts to look concerned. Lois says that when she and Chloe were little girls, they made a promise not to get married until they found their soul mates. You mean when Chloe was a little girl and you were 25? "The one person in the whole wide world we were destined to be with," Lois continues. Wait for it... wait for it... "Which is why you can't take a 10-year-old on their word," she says. Daaayum! BOOM goes the dynamite! Some dude in the crowd yells, "OH!" Exactly, sir. Chloe's smile fades. Jimmy is hurt. Clark grabs her by the waist and pulls her down from her evil perch. Lois spins around. Clark tries to suavely save the day, but with his brain and mouth. We've secretly switched our regular Clark Kent with one who can put a positive spin on things. Will people notice? Let's watch... Clark spins it to say that what Lois meant is that you can't predict when you'll find that special someone. Shit, sometimes it takes 10 seasons! Clark says that without a doubt, Jimmy is that special someone for Chloe. Chloe and Jimmy both looked touched. And not in the bad way that involves your privates. Clark says he's known Chloe since 8th Grade and that in all that time, he's never seen her so happy. Lois rolls her eyes in front of everyone. You are a lousy, shitty human being. Go away. Please. Clark congratulates them. "To Jimmy and Chloe!" he says. Everyone raises their glasses. Jimmy and Chloe kiss. Clark, satisfied, thinks he deserves 50 percent of that kiss. The Jimmy half, maybe?