Smallville

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Omar G: C- | Grade It Now!
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Naughty Of Lies

The Talon. It's Super Mocha Mondays, according to the marquee outside. Inside, Lois and Clark quietly enter the apartment. Lois is wearing one of Clark's red flannel shirts over her dress from the night before. She announces that she likes to see pants on Chloe and Jimmy when she comes in. They look toward the bed. A Valentine's Day sale threw up all over it. A trail of red rose petals leads to the bed, which is covered in a gauzy lace curtain. There are fluffy red pillows. It's pretty "Ladies Man." "I had no idea Jimmy was so romantic," Clark says, as he looks lovingly at the laid-out spread before him. It's the Gayest Look of the Episode. Lois finds a pair of handcuffs, lined with soft pink bunny material, on a nightstand. "Guess the Olsen's not so wholesome," she sing-songs. Thank you, Ms. Palin. Lois puts her hands in the handcuffs and holds them up for Clark. She thinks it's hilarious. Clark averts his eyes. He notices a stack of mail inside the door, next to the mail slot. Lois hits play on the answering machine. "Chloe! It's your cuz!" she hears herself say. Lois is horrified. Lois is telling Chloe that Clark came to her rescue instead of Oliver. "He's just the sweetest boy I've ever met!" she gushes. Lois quickly cuts off the message. She calls it "Alcohol poisoning." A police call is also on the machine. Jimmy and Chloe's car got impounded for blocking a street cleaner. Clark says they must not have come home the night before. "Then where the Hell are they?" Lois asks.

We cut to a dank, dark, watery underground lair. Jimmy and Chloe are tied together, lying on their sides on the ground. Chloe asks where they are. "Dearly beloved," a voice says, "we are gathered here today to find out if these two were truly meant to be." The man turns on the lights. It's your typical serial killer lair. Two dead bodies are sitting on opposite dentist chairs. One is a woman, her hands bound to her chair. The other is a man. Jimmy and Chloe look at the bodies in terror.

Commercials. The Game. Hey, I like games! Which one is it?

Daily Planet. Let me get this straight: in order to investigate the disappearance of Jimmy and Chloe in Smallville, Lois and Clark drove their asses to Metropolis? What kind of stupid shit is that? Clark, bounding down the stairs to the basement, tells Lois that he checked all the hospitals (we don't have to actually go to the hospital to investigate? Yay!) and the airport. No sign of the couple. Lois, wearing an open-boobed hot pink shirt, says they covered a lot of ground. Too bad your blouse doesn't. Lois found out that three other couples have vanished in the last two weeks. Lois gives a shoutout to Oprah for no good reason. Clark thinks all the couples have been abducted. That's a big cage somebody would need. Lois called the police. She says they won't declare them missing for 24 hours, the standard TV show trope for these situations. Clark looks at the newspaper announcements for couples. "What kind of person would prey on people during the happiest time of their lives?" Clark asks. A struggling network that likes to sign on actors in their 20s? Lois thinks she could have stopped it if she hadn't been too drunk. Woulda, coulda, shoulda, you fucking lush. Clark thinks she might have gotten snatched away, too. We should be so lucky. Clark assures Lois that they'll find Jimmy and Chloe. He suggests they cross-reference them with the other couples to look for similarities. Lois has already done it. She found that the couples all visited three of the same vendors: a bakery, a jewelry store and a stationery shop. Clark offers to go to the stationery shop since its right around the corner. Lois won't let Clark go alone. She says she won't put her cousin's life in the hands of a "Mild-mannered copyboy." So. Grating. She's like nipple clamps for your eardrums.

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Smallville

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