Smallville

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Naughty Of Lies

Stately Tess Mercer Mansion, nighttime. Oliver, dressed down in a nice shirt, unbuttoned enough to show a little chest, has arrived. "Mercy!" he calls out. He says they have dinner reservations at Hobbes Bay in less than an hour. Tess walks into the office carrying two giant Kendo sticks. She's in workout gear with her hair pulled back. She tosses a stick to Oliver and goes on the attack. She says she likes to work up an appetite. They start to lock sticks. She clocks Oliver on the mouth. His lip bleeds. Ow. She says he used to be better at this. He asks what happened to no revenge. She says it's not revenge; it's practice. Oh, just screw already. She says weak men like Oliver make her stronger. Sticks a bangin'. She says she gave Oliver information about his dead parents and he drank himself onto the society page for a month. She doesn't think he takes anything seriously. Like their relationship. He says he cared about her. Tess isn't having it. She reminds him that she caught him with a waitress. "Or was she a hostess?" she asks. She did do the mostest, in bed. Oliver apologizes again. He swings at her feet as she jumps. She kicks him in the chest, pushing him against a wall. She wants an explanation. Oliver pushes the stick aside. She comes at him, very close. "The Hell were you so afraid of?" she asks. Oliver breathes deeply. "You," he says. They kiss. Aw, geez. Save it for Soap Net.

Lois is in a dark alley, fishing out her keys for her car. When they decided to pose as a couple, didn't they think about not leaving Lois vulnerable for the inevitable attack? Worst bait plan ever. Nearby, a car's lights go on, illuminating Lois. She's leaving a message for Clark on her phone. Lois yells at the driver because of their high beams. She finishes her message to Clark and hangs up. "You'll see your fiancé soon enough," Masky says. He shoots Lois in the tummy with his tranquilizer gun. "Son of a bitch," she whispers just before she falls. We zoom to the back of Masky's hearse. He loads Lois into the back. He removes his mask. It's the jeweler. Surprise! Way to take off your mask in the middle of an abduction. Are you hoping someone sees you? He closes the back of the vehicle. God, this episode is awful, isn't it?

Commercials. Kraft Singles. I wonder if, in my lifetime, I've eaten over a thousand of them. I would guess yes. Oh the horrors my digestive system has seen.

Jimmy and Chloe's brothel-designed bed of pre-marital bliss. Chloe wakes up suddenly. The two of them are surrounded by lit candles. What if the two of them didn't wake up from their drugging right away and the place burned down? Boy, Masky sure would have egg on his face then, wouldn't he? You know, on his mask. Face. Egg mask. Moving on... Chloe wakes Jimmy up. He marvels that they're both all right. A little fried, maybe. Jimmy knew they'd make it out. Oh, did he? He didn't seem so confident when he was strapped to a chair peeing himself. Chloe finds the fluffy handcuffs. She asks if this is Masky's idea of a twisted joke. Jimmy admits that those things are all him. He says it was a lot less creepy the day before. Chloe says she doesn't think she'd still be alive if she'd been sitting across from anyone else. Maybe because you were sitting across from your fiancé and you wouldn't have been in that situation otherwise. Just a guess. "Because we're meant to be together," Jimmy says. Oh, gag. You answered a couple of questions right on a lie-detector test. You didn't cure polio. Jimmy says that things like that don't happen to people by accident. Chloe, somehow, agrees with him. Tell that to the millions of victims of random violent crime, asshole. Chloe says it's because Jimmy doesn't have any secrets. How... boring. Jimmy blinks a little before they kiss. He totally breaks the mood by saying they should call the sheriff. Chloe, misty-eyed, nods.

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Smallville

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