Smallville
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Omar G: C | Grade It Now!
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Ice to See You

In keeping with the theme of this week's episode, I have invited a bucket full of ice to watch Smallville with me and participate in the recapping. The bucket of ice is named Buck.

Omar: Welcome, Buck. So...what's up?
Buck: The temperature. Crank up the fucking A/C. I'm dying over here.
Omar: Right. Sorry.

The episode opens at the bottom of a lake. Shimmery sounds play as we pass by what looks like the room of a high-school kid who's really into Pink Floyd. Rocks with green fluorescent bits make the ocean floor look like the ultimate stoner's black-lit room. We pan up to the surface, as bubbles do what they do best: bubble. On the surface, we hit the iced-over top with a crunching sound, and then we're above water level, watching a bunch of high-school students whooping and celebrating next to their trucks. Rock music is playing, as is mandated by the Smallville town charter.

Party time. Everybody's standing around, drinking beverages from matching red ice chests, making out, standing around fires. I've only ever been to one party like that my whole life. It was when I was in a new high school where I barely knew anyone and people literally stood around a bunch of trucks and drank. That was the whole party. Then I came home tipsy and my mom could totally smell it on me, even though I'd chewed a stick of Big Red gum. What made it suck worse was that I didn't have superpowers like Clark Kent. Speaking of whom, he arrives on the scene escorting the sarcastic yet flippant Chloe. Using her sparkling wit and powers of observation, she notes that people will gather for a party anywhere that there's illegally obtained alcohol and the slightest chance of hooking up. This is biting social commentary? Clark -- who I hope is done taking Chloe's shit -- reminds her that she's the one who wanted to go the party. Rather than accept responsibility, Chloe complains that she didn't know it was going to be 20,000 degrees below zero. Let us take a moment to remember Phil Hartman and his legendary bellowing of, "Twenty thousand leagues under the sea!" We miss you, Phil. Clark says he's not that cold. "What are you, from an ice planet?" Chloe asks, and says she's going to warm herself by the fire. That leaves Clark alone with the crappy music playing and the cold not affecting him. Clark looks around and -- also as mandated by town charter -- spots Lana Lang and Jocko Whitney under a blanket being all schmoopy. Clark looks sad. Oh, poor healthy, attractive teenager with the superpowers.

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Smallville

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