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Constant Craving

In keeping with this week's episode theme, we're going to assign a kind of food to each scene. Don't worry. It'll all make sense.

We start up on a glass house (don't throw stones!) with a sign that reads "Melville Nursery." A guy we can assume is Mr. Melville walks up to the entrance wearing a big puffy brown vest/coat over a flannel shirt. He waves at an extra as he passes, because he's just that damned friendly. Cut to inside the greenhouse, where someone with work gloves is holding a carrot and messing with some greens. Papa Melville, a doughy balding man, walks in and sees his daughter, who is wearing a purple sweater hardly designed for gardening, as she plucks out little kryptonite stones from the soil. What does she think, that Lana dropped her necklace in there or something? How does she think these glowing, humming stones are normal? Daddy Melville tells the girl that if she's not in the mood for spaghetti, he can order Thai. They have Thai food in Smallville? Right. Because it's so ethnic. The girl says she doesn't want either: She wants to look good for Lana's birthday party. Dad tells her she's focusing a little too much on the one party. The girl, who will be known later on in the episode as "Cellulita" because she sucks the fat out of people (sorry if I ruined the surprise for you), is shown spinning around to face her dad for the first time and GOOD GOD, WHAT'S WRONG WITH HER NECK!?! The poor actress is wearing a fat suit, and it looks like her neck is trying to eat the rest of her. And her body doesn't look as overweight as that neck would imply. Cellulita says nobody likes her, and why should they: "I'm a cow." She's not going to eat any more food, "just this," she says, picking up a bushel of carrots. What, carrots aren't food? Don't tell Bugs Bunny. He'll be pissed. Dad looks very worried. He examines some soil in a bucket where a glowing piece of kryptonite lies. This scene was a dry sandwich, no mayo.

The offices of The Torch. Cellulita is cutting out pictures from magazines, pasting copies of photos of her face on the bodies of models. And who among us has not done that? Right now, my head is pasted onto Jack Black's body on my desktop. At one point, Cellulita seems to take particular pleasure cutting off the head of a swimsuit model. The WB just got a cease-and-desist letter from Sports Illustrated. Chloe, whose hairflip has calmed to the point where she doesn't spontaneously fly away, comes up to Cellulita. "Cutting the heads off supermodels," she snarks. "Kinda redundant, isn't it?" You mean like Chloe and a pair of scissors being in the same room? Cellulita says that she was looking for an outfit to wear to the party. A bikini? Chloe asks if Cellulita can give her and Pete an "algebra download." Cellulita asks, from deep within her neck, if Clark doesn't usually help them with that. Pete says that Clark is preoccupied helping the birthday girl with her party prep. He does a little dance when he says that, and Cellulita jigs right along. It must be love. To sweeten the download deal, Chloe purrs, "We'll even buy you luuuunch." God, Chloe can be so cruel. That scene was an apple that started out kinda sweet, but then you find a dead worm that choked on its own vomit inside.

Lunch. Cellulita is pouring a nasty concoction out of a metal thermos that looks like one of the nastier Odwalla green things that I don't dare try. (Although I do swear by their "Mo' Beta" juice.) "That looks…appetizing," Pete says, looking as if he's about to yarf. Chloe looks grossed out. "Losing weight is never pretty," Cellulita says, and as she does, the vibration of the vocal cords reverberating under her huge fake neck sends a rumble through the lunchroom. Two guys walk up to the three of them and ask Pete if he wants to join their pick-me-up game of b-ball. Yeah, sure, ask the black man. I see how you are, The WB. The lead b-ball guy says that of course, that's unless he wants to keep whale-watching. This guy is so not a prize to be talking like that. He's wearing a very femme-looking orange sweater, and his eyes are so beady that he's in danger of somebody trying to make a bracelet out of his eyeballs. And his name's "Dustin." Has there ever been a nice guy named "Dustin"? Cellulita darts her eyes and looks scared, mostly because the fake neck is cutting off her oxygen supply. Pete tells the guy to back off. "I didn't know you were a chubby chaser," MeanDustin tells Pete. He bounces the basketball and it hits the drink thermos, spilling kryptodwalla all over Cellulita. She looks humiliated and walks off. "You'd think someone that big would have thicker skin," MeanDustin says. Pete "grrrrrs," grabs the ball, and clocks the dude right on the side of the face. Nice! That's right! He's a righteous black man, The WB! "You'd think someone that stupid would have a thicker head," Chloe vamps, but it's not nearly as satisfying as the basketball clocking. Pete and Chloe walk off and are remarkably not chased by the hooligans. This scene was a delicious, thirst-quenching sports drink.

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