An SUV driving in the rain. You just know there's going to be an accident. Cellulita is driving, munching on fast food and slurping on a Coke as she goes down the road. As she rounds a corner, an exceptionally shiny (read: CGI) deer walks into the road. She screams. I scream. The deer, presumably, screams internally. The SUV hits the deer, cracking the windshield. The car spins around. Somewhere, a Smallville car dealer and an insurance broker are smiling in their sleep. Cellulita sits there, stunned. Her headlights are facing the fallen deer. Music pumps up in super-fast speed. Cellulita walks out in the rain. She goes to the deer and as her stomach groans, she falls on her knees in front of it. She grimaces and then, good God! Her mouth stretches down about four feet like Alec Baldwin's did in Beetlejuice and she bends down and starts eating the damn deer! This is the part where I yelled "Ew!" at the TV set. We crane-shot the hell out of there as she chows down. Do you even have to ask what this scene tasted like? Venison, of course.
The Fortress of Dorkitude. Clark The Stalker is watching Lana and Jocko through his telescope. Jocko gives Lana a book, and she throws her arms around him and gives him some LanaLove for the sweet gesture. Does it matter that he gave it to her upside-down and that the book is in German? Oh, sure, it's fine. Strummy crap rock plays as Clark looks all conflicted and upset. He wants to laser-vision Jocko into oblivion. Why do you torture yourself so, my non-cape-wearing superboy? Clark is adjusting his knobs (on the telescope) when we hear Chloe say, "Getting your morning Lana fix?" For once, I'm glad to see her. Clark, taken aback and incredibly defensive, asks if she ever knocks. "It's a barn, Clark," she says simply. Okay, two points for Chloe. Chloe enjoys her little moment in the "embarrassing Clark" spotlight and then launches into the reason she's early: a car ran into a deer. Clark is underwhelmed by this news. Lana whips out the morning paper and says that the deer was hit at 60 mph, but that the cause of death is unknown. Clark, in a universe unto himself, says he'd love to go over theories, but he has chores to do. Chloe looks crestfallen. Clark adds that he hasn't gotten a gift for Lana yet. Chloe offers to help him with his gift if he uses his pull at Animal Control (he works on a farm, remember) to find out some dirt about the very dead deer. Clark agrees, because he's a weak, weak person. Clark says he wants to get Lana something unique, but Chloe asks that it not be as unique as what Clark got Chloe last year. Sadly, we don't get to hear what that was. This scene, by the way, was pure hickory-smoked Butterball turkey.
At Animal Control, Clark has used his amazing influence to ask where to find a bathroom. He and Chloe skulk down the hall, Twin Peaks-style, to find the dead deer. The fluorescent lights aren't flickering, at least. They find the deer behind a locked door, and while Chloe goes to find someone in maintenance, Clark breaks the doorknob. He plays it off that the door was already broken when Chloe comes back. He attributes it to "Kent charm." Kent charm works on knobs? That I believe. Clark lifts the sheet, which is kind of comical being that it's lying over a deer, and Chloe positions her digital camera. "Looks like jerky," Clark says, grimacing. Yum. Chloe picks up a chart with a lab report which says that the deer lost 80 percent of its body fat. Damn that Jenny Craig and her Slim Yourself To Jerky diet! Chloe says it's like it was liposuctioned to death. Somewhere in Hollywood, Joan Rivers's ears are burning. Clark suggests, jokingly, that it was a fat-sucking vampire. Now Cher's got hot ears. Chloe says this is Smallville, "land of the weird, home of the strange." This scene brought to you by delicious Slim Jims.