I never thought I'd say that I miss having Kryptofreaks around, but, damn, Smallville? Are you crazy?! No, wait, that was last week. This week's episode has more sinking 'ships than the Bermuda Triangle. Jimmy gets the weird idea of pairing up Lois and Clark, so he arranges to have them meet at a Valentine's Day party at The Talon. It goes predictably badly until Lois meets a mysterious woman who gives her an aphrodisiac lipstick containing red Kryptonite. Lois becomes smitten with Clark, and goes after him with a corset and miniskirt vengeance. She even makes him a Whitesnake mix CD which, in the full recap, will force my hand at revealing that, yes, I owned a cassette tape of Still Of The Night. Clark resists for a while, but eventually Lois plants a kiss on him, infecting him with the Red K. Just as they're about to do it right on Oliver's apartment furniture, Clark finds an invitation to Lex and Lana's engagement party. Lex and Lana have decided not to reveal Lana's pregnancy, but that plan goes awry when Clark -- in black clothes, of course -- crashes the party and says horrible things to everyone. To MamaKent: "I hate Papa Luthor and his Luthor ass face!" To Chloe: "You like me, and maybe I'll do you someday." To Lex and Lana: "You don't belong together, you're having a baby, and hey, let me borrow the lady." As everybody scrambles, Chloe and Jimmy use an antidote on Lois. Clark takes Lana with him, spirits her off to the barn, and forces a kiss on her that she instantly returns. He tells her not to marry Lex, and she rants at Clark for his lousy timing and thecrecy and lieth, yet again. It sounds a tiny bit familiar. Lex shows up and pulls a gun on Clark, which doesn't go well. MamaKent busts out the green Kryptonite, heals Clark, and saves Lex's life. Lex and Lana aren't exactly thrilled with everything that's happening, and Lex once again sees that this marriage ain't gonna be preternaturally pretty. But here's a creepy note: the doctor making sure Lana's pregnancy is still fine tells Lex on the sly that things are on schedule even though it's not a normal pregnancy. Kryptobaby in the belly! Clark and Lois have a weird make-up scene together that's as gooey as a PB&J sandwich. Lana finds a screwdriver Lex tried to drive into Clark's stomach, but got all bent up. She gets ever closer to Clark's secret. Which would have been interesting about three seasons ago.
Is it just me, or do you have the midseason blahs too? Blah. Blah. Blah. Repeat for 8,000 more words.
Someone threw up all over the inside of The Talon, and they must have been eating cotton candy, because it's all pink. We open on a small cherub statue, then we pan across to see frilly, gauzy tubes hanging from the ceiling, star-shaped lights and bubbles. A banner in the background reads, "happy valentine's day." Hey, the banner committee found work after high school! I'm so glad they're not resting on their laurels. Soft alt-rock plays as Chloe and Clark walk in. A guy spins a girl as people dance. "Chloe, what the hell is this?" asks Clark, clearly perturbed. Like there surely wasn't a huge announcement on the marquee outside: "Get your pink latte and kiss! It's V-day!" This sadly confirms what I have long suspected: Clark is functionally illiterate. He probably thought the sign said something about movie night. Clark says he thought they were coming in to get a coffee: "How could you do this to me?" Chloe swears she didn't know, and says she's sorry. Why is she apologizing for The Talon having a Valentine's Day party? It's taken me six seasons, but I think I'm realizing that Chloe and Clark may not have the healthiest friendship. Clark turns to go (why not at super speed?), but Chloe stops him, saying that he's not going to hide in the barn for the rest of his life. Emotionally, yes. Physically, not so much. As the camera has fun following them in circles, Clark reminds Chloe about what she usually says regarding the holiday: that it's the annual peek into Hell. For her, it usually is. Clark says, with more bitterness than is probably necessary, that this was before Chloe got struck by Cupid's arrow. Chloe says that she's been trapped in a front-row seat to the Clark/Lana operetta, and asks if she doesn't finally deserve a good V-Day. And she actually says "V-Day." Clark says that Chloe is the only person who can make him feel guilty, relieved, and sad all in the same sentence. It's called acting! Seriously, though, this can't be healthy, guys. Bubbles fly. Chloe says her ability to evoke those emotions in Clark is a gift. With residuals. Chloe assures Clark that his "achy-breaky heart" will go away one of these days. After the seventh season. Clark, deadpan, asks if Chloe can put that in writing. Why would you want that in writing? Chloe tells Clark to give the Lana thing a little more time, and that the next love of his life could be just around the corner.