Smallville
Crimson

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Omar G: D+ | Grade It Now!
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'Ships Of Fools

There's a knock at the door. It's Lois. Funny/cute music plays as MamaKent's eyes pop out. The camera ogles Lois from her black boots to her short black skirt to her green top. She's applying lipstick and looking into a compact. The music adds a pornographic drumbeat. "Lois," MamaKent says, with a bit of wonder. Lois smiles, asking if Clark is there. MamaKent takes a long moment to think on that, and then giggles and tells Lois to come on in. Maybe she has decided her son needs a good blowjob. Because he sure wasn't getting that from Lana. Or Chloe. Maybe Lex. Clark, pouring orange juice and not looking in her direction, tells Lois he's sorry she got pulled into that whole Jimmy thing the night before. The funny thing is, the show is making a huge deal out of Lois wearing a low-cut top and a miniskirt, but she dresses like that most of the time and has walked around the Kent house in a sports bra and biker shorts before. The thrill was already gone, folks. I wouldn't be surprised if Clark has already seen one of Lois's tits hanging out of her shirt at some point. Clark says that what happened must have sucked after what happened to Oliver. He stops in mid-sentence to stare at Lois. "Oliver's history," she says. Yeah, we kinda figured. Clark and MamaKent exchange a puzzled look.

As the porn music continues, Lois asks if MamaKent can give them a few minutes. MamaKent says that she'll be upstairs. Lois tries to walk sexily toward Clark. She moves aside the pitcher he was holding and says, "Here we find ourselves, all alone." She holds one of Clark's hands and comments on how big and strong they are; she asks how it is she never noticed that before. Clark, all giggly, pulls his hand back and retreats a step, asking what's going on. Lois says that she's not very good with words. The camera grazes her cleavage as it moves to her hands, which she is holding out to give Clark a CD. The front cover is a masterwork of hilarity. It's a heart-shaped (or cock-n-balls shaped) guitar with a skinny grey snake wrapped around it. The whole thing is a colored-pencil affair with the words TO CLARK on the top left. This is some awesome shit right here. Clark turns the CD around to read song titles with weird names like "The Way" and "Mojo Henry" and "Portland Zoo" as well as the fanciful "Rasta Mike's Reggae." Don't even get me started on "The Psychedelic Supermarket." No mention of Whitesnake, but Lois fills us in: "People don't think Whitesnake sings power ballads. But they do." I owned the cassette of Still Of The Night and blasted that shit into headphones all the time in my early teen years. Any mistakes you find in my recaps you can blame on that brain damage. "You made me a mix CD," Clark says, the way you ask someone about a car wreck in which she was severely injured. "Yeah," says Lois cutely. She tells Clark that she'll kill him if he tells anyone this (romantic!), but that there's nothing she loves more than slow dancing with someone's big, strong arms around her. "Just like yours, Smallville," she adds, pulling Clark's arms around her waist and getting close to mounting him. Somehow, Lois got the CD back, because she's holding it in her hands behind Clark's neck. Lois bites her lip. Clark enjoys the moment just a bit longer before pulling her hands away and suggesting that they put the CD on. Yes! Please! I wanna hear "Portland Zoo"! Lois agrees: "I know how you dance, so..." Just then, Clark has a natural gay reaction and superzips the hell out of there. There are hilarious shot of the outside of the farm, with Clark streaking toward the horizon. Get me away from all this vaginaaaaaaa! Vaginaaaaaaaaa! Goddamn, that's fun to say. "Just in case," Lois says, but she turns and sees that Clark is gone. Wow, that one's gotta hurt.

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Smallville

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