Smallville

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Tippi Blevins: B- | Grade It Now!
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Kneel Before Tess
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description!

There's no "previously on Smallville" this week because, frankly, remembering things about this show is just going to lead to frustration and pain.

Instead the episode cold-opens with an intro for a morning talk show called Good Morning, Metropolis that highlights how tonight's "A" plot seems like it comes from an entirely different show. Not a better show, mind you, just a different one. The intro music and graphics are bouncy and cheesy and full of the kind of good cheer that would make even diehard morning people want to commit violence. The intro also shows a Kansas that could only exist in some alternate universe, where the Great Plains are populated by cargo ships and expansive bays. The title graphic gives way to Lois Lane's smiling face. We see her as if we're watching her on a TV-within-our-TV. She introduces herself as the host of this cheesetastic show. As the camera pulls back, she's revealed to be wearing a light pink dress that's somehow both skimpy and matronly all at once. Also revealed is one Clark Kent, sitting beside Lois at the host's table, looking around at the set lights and fiddling with his suit. Lois stares at him until he realizes it's his turn to speak. He introduces himself as the co-host. The view shifts and we see the action as if we're on this morning show's set during filming. A woman standing beside the cameras watches and waits. We'll just call her the producer, since they never say who she is. Lois sets Clark up for his next line, but he bungles it even though there seems to be a teleprompter. Tinkly, cheerful music plays, working way too hard to convince us that this is the kind scene you'd find in an old romantic comedy.

Lois asks if they can start over and the producer gives them time to get it together. Lois starts off telling Clark she appreciates him helping her "audition" but appreciation quickly gives way to bickering. She wants a job on this show because newspapers are on the "endangered species list" and this show is her only backup plan. Wouldn't a more natural transition be to work on web-based news? Clark and Lois bicker back and forth. It's supposed to be cute but I'm already glancing at my watch. The producer is enthralled, though, and watches like she's just come across two particularly comical monkeys at the zoo. To prove how committed he is to helping her, Clark announces: "I bought a new tie!" Lois counters with her whole new outfit. Clark tells her she looks great. Instead of taking the compliment, Lois tells him, "Don't you dare reassure me right now!" Clark quietly says he's doing all this for her: "How else am I going to get that second date?" Lois retorts, "Well, you should have thought about that before you stood me up the first time." Clark looks confused. You're confused because she is inane, fool! The set lights start clicking off, leaving the doofy duo in darkness. Lois thinks the audition has been cut short and asks for another take. The producer smiles and asks, "What do you say you come in bright and early Monday morning and give it another whirl? Congratulations! You got the job!" Thrilled, Lois throws her arms around Clark, promising not to forget him when she goes "national." The producer corrects her: they want both Lois and Clark to host the show. Lois protests. Clark protests. I protest. The producer compares their chemistry to Katharine Hepburn and Spencer Tracy (uh, no) and to Regis and Kelly (eh). She tells them it's a package deal: "Either you both stay or you both go." Lois smiles awkwardly at Clark. He smiles awkwardly back. They smile at each other again and then look away. I wait for someone to say something that makes sense, but the only sound is the tinkly music ramping up to a comedic crescendo. And... end scene. Somebody save us all!

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Smallville

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