France. Notre Dame. For a minute, I thought it was The Louvre. Or as they call it in Green Bay, "The Favre." Chanting music is heard as Lana lets a nun step past her. Or is that "Pastor"? Somebody grabs Lana, shoves her against a wall, and starts kissing her. Monsignor Patrick, NO! Wait, Lana's a girl. Never mind. We had nothing to worry about there. It's actually Lana's boyfriend, who is called "Jason Teague," so I'm just going to call him that from now on. We cool? Cool. Lana looks seriously pissed, and tells him that they're in a church and that she has an art history project to finish. It is Too The Sexy. For Lana, at least. Jason says that when Lana invited him to an old crypt for "brass rubbing," he thought it meant something else. Lana tells him he has a dirty mind. What she actually meant was "Brass Ben-Wa Plugging." But later. Jason tries to kiss her again, but Lana pulls away, moaning. Candles are lit everywhere. This week's special guest is Sting, and he'll be singing "Wrapped Around Your Finger." Jason introduces Lana to her art project: a woman in a crypt named Countess Margaret Isabelle Thoreaux who, near as I can tell, is fictional. Jason says she was a warrior princess who kicked a lot of ass and broke a lot of hearts. Neat. Jason tells Lana that she and Margaret have a lot in common -- they're uncompromising, strong, and beautiful. When is Lana not compromising? Lana wants to get to work. Jason bails and says he has a hot date to go plan. It's Lana's birthday, too. Lana's annoyed that he knew when her birthday was. "Stop talking. Start rubbing," he tells Lana when she keeps asking questions. I remember when a line like that on Smallville was enough to get everybody going. Too bad it's being directed at Lana. Jason says, too loudly, that the festivities begin the next day at 10 AM at the Café de Fleurie. Nice French accent there. He gets shushed and goes. Lana giggles. She goes to the on-the-floor engraving and whips out her paper and charcoal. She rubs and...oh Jesus, don't make me type this. Crap. Ahem. "The beautiful woman on the crypt looks an awful lot like...why, Lana Lang! Do you think there may be a connection?" That's another 10\% of my soul. Gone. There's also a funky symbol at the bottom of the drawing that looks like it should be on the side of a tennis shoe. Lana moves to touch the symbol, and it glows. Then it shoots out a ray of light that engulfs Lana as she leans back. White light continues to flood the room. Maybe this warrior princess made whatever was in the Pulp Fiction briefcase.
Episode Report CardOmar G: B+ | 1044 USERS: B-
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