Smallville
Crush

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Omar G: B+ | Grade It Now!
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Telekinemesis

In the hall, Clark asks Chloe whether this whole Gary Tru-d'oh! thing isn't moving too fast. Chloe says they've been emailing for months, and that she knows him better than she knows Clark. Clark asks if she knows about Gary's doctor, the not-so-handy man. She says no, but that she heard about Clark's little gossip circle. Clark walks off, saying he's just looking out for her. Chloe gets pissed. She asks if Clark has some sort of savior complex. Heh. He says he doesn't want her to get involved with Gary just because of Clark. Chloe's face goes all "oh, no you di'in't!" She tells him her world does not revolve around Clark. Testify! Chloe says that she found someone special, and that -- unlike Clark -- she's willing to take a chance. The school bell rings, and people spill out of their classes. Clark is lost in a sea of people who aren't as pretty as he is.

Nighttime. A station wagon pulls up in a driveway. We zoom in on a Kansas license plate: "DDI O35." My hit-and-run guy had the license plate, "MY TAHO." Asshole. The car stops in front of a knocked-over steel trash can. Principal I Have a Feeling I'm Reaching the End of My Used-to-be-Smooth Jokes goes over to move the bin, leaving the station wagon. Gary comes up behind him. "Was it easy to lie to everybody?" he asks. The principal is thinking, "Oh crap! He found my kiddie-porn stash!" He asks what Gary is doing there. Gary says he's reliving old memories. "I think you should go home," says Principal Had a Dog, Named it "Smoothie" in Memory of Days Long Gone. Gary says that when the principal's car hit him, in the middle of the crosswalk, it felt like Gary had been broken in half. "I don't know what you're talking about," the principal says. Gary goes on reliving, saying blood was dripping in his eyes as he saw the taillights disappear. Ew. "It wasn't me," says Principal Smooth like a Piece of Sandpaper Rejected at the Factory for Being Too Rough for Even Sandpaper Standards. Wrong answer! Gary telekinetically throws the principal against his garage door. Gary explains that he developed these powers to make up for his lack of motor skills when he was in a full-body cast. He should totally do an infomercial. Gary uses his mind to pluck a big path-light out of the ground and chuck it at the principal. There's no power cord, so it must be solar-powered. Let me tell you something: those kind of lawn lights suck. Home Depot owes me $60. The spear-like light misses the principal by a few inches. Gary keeps being menacing, which is hard when you sound like a lisping duck. Gary turns on the station wagon lights. (Yes, with his mind.) He starts the engine. (With his mind.) The principal, frightened, asks him to stop it. The engine revs. Gary says he's going to feel what it's like to be hit by a two-thousand-pound car. I'll bet it feels like shit. The car goes into Drive. It pummels the principal, pushing him through the garage door and into the garage wall. Principal Only Smooth Because Blood is Coming Out of Every Orifice in a Smooth Flow falls forward onto the hood. Let us say a brief haiku for the departed Principal Kwan:

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Smallville

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