Smallville
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Omar G: B- | Grade It Now!
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Subject: Your Imminent Death

Here's your answer. In a blue-lighted room, our friend Lisa Loeb is next to a very nice flat-panel monitor and a machine that has a slot for an entire hard drive to be popped in. She pops a CD-ROM into her computer and sits down to do some damage. She's got a very nice Metropolis loft with hardwood floors.

Smallville High hallway. Lana is showing her new boyfriend around. He teases her about the school's mascot. "Oh, it's a bird!" he says amusingly. Lana defends it by saying it's a small town. Lana goes to get her history book, and asks PM'sWB to wait outside.

Cut to Lisa Loeb typing something on her computer. Does anybody really look good in those narrow cat-lady kind of glasses? Lisa Loeb has Chloe's old list of contacts on her computer, including Clark, Pete, Lana, the Smallville Ledger, Megan Poss, Dustin Farrell, Kimberly Regent, the library, Theron Layne, and David Wilson. Don't ask me who any of those last few folks are. Lisa Loeb sends an email to Lana.

Lana answers her phone/PDA. It's from "Brainwave." The screen suddenly fills with colorful binary code. Zoom in on Lana's eye and into her brain. My God. It's full of green code. And lots of empty space. Lana blinks. Commercials.

Steve Harvey's moustache is denser in population than India.

Chloe walks down the hallway. She stops at a bulletin board. Agh! The Eye of Lana is upon you! Don't look directly at it! She'll make you lame! And she needs a little Visine. In slow motion, Lana drops her PDA and approaches Chloe. Chloe tells Lana she's been looking for her. Lana, frowning, takes Chloe's head and smashes it against the bulletin board. Then she throws Chloe down the stairs. Day-um! This fight is trying really hard to be the fight from the end of Alias's second season. Chloe, her head busted, cowers. She asks what Lana's doing. "Killing Chloe Sullivan," Lana says, more robotically than usual. Roundhouse KICK! More Chloe falling down stairs. Another kick. An arm swipe. Chloe finally decides to fight back. She clocks Lana straight in the mouth. Will either of them show ugly facial injuries later on? Hey, this is The WB. Lana falls in slow motion. The stunt doubles step in as Chloe smashes Lana into a fire rack, breaking the glass. Lana reaches in and gets a damn axe! Lots of axe-swinging, as students just stand and watch. How come no football jock comes and tackles the shit out of Lana? Chloe dodges axe blows. Then she falls backward into a locker room so that we can see a bunch of skinny chicks in their underwear. Wow, WB, I had you all wrong. More axe-wielding, and Chloe knocks Lana over in a flip. Axe-grabbing. Lana kicks Chloe into a locker. This isn't exactly the Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling, is it? I'm just glad they didn't make her say, "Heeeeeeeere's LANA!" Chloe gets kicked into the showers, which are of course all spraying. Doesn't this school have separate stalls for girls? One more axe-raising. Suddenly, Poor Man's Wes Bentley is there, grabbing for the axe. Lana kicks him. They fight. He pins her to the wall with his foot. She twists it around, making him flip. Chloe kicks Lana's feet out from under her. Lana falls and hits her head. The beast is fallen. And Lana's got a bloody nose. She comes to her senses. "What happened?" asks wet, bloody Lana.

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Smallville

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