Smallville

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Farewell, Sweet Bastard

Forget the establishing shot. We're right inside the Lair of Lex. Lex is sitting near the fire, chillin'. His evil assistant lady walks very, very slowly into the room behind him, through the double doors. She's wearing a tight leather jacket, her glasses and her hair down, and she is really trying to get cast as The Baroness in the G.I. Joe movie. You need to nail the accent if you really want it. She knocks softly, telling Lex how sorry she was to hear about his father. As she creeps in, Lex tells a story. "When I was a boy," he tells her, "we took a trip together to Washington, D.C." He says it was just the two of them and that they went to the Air and Space Museum. "He knew I loved things that could fly," Lex says, dreamily. HoYAY! How about things that are expected to fly in Season Eight? You've gotta love those. Lex remembers looking up at the Apollo 11 command module. He says his father held his hand and told him that the right man can make anything possible. In bed. Oh Lex, I think you took that lesson to heart a little too much. The Baroness puts her hand on Lex's shoulder and rubs. Hey, you're not a man! That we know of. Lex puts his hand over hers. She sighs, releasing some serious sexual t-t-t-tension. She sees something in Lex's hand. "You have his locket," she says. She starts to ask how Lex got it, but decides not to pursue that. She tells Lex that his father was a cruel, sadistic man. That's nice to say after Lex just told you a heartwarming story about him. "What are you suggesting?" he asks. She promises no one will ever know what happened. She takes Lex's locket hand and rubs it. "I promise," she says. I'm pretty sure she wants to put that thumb in her mouth. Instead, she gently takes the locket. She opens it. It's empty. "Where's the key?" she asks. Lex says Papa must have given it to someone. He says he asked "Gina" to keep an eye on him. Va-Gina? Baroness Gina says that Papa stopped at the basement of The Daily Planet. "Get the helicopter ready," Lex says. Dude, you just came from Metropolis. That's a lot of miles and gas ain't cheap these days. Va-Gina says, "Of course," and gazes at him adoringly. She leaves the room. Lex sighs heavily. Gaw, it's nice not to have to think about girls for a while. Lex stands. Li'l Lex shows up. "You killed dad for a necklace?" he asks. It was a really nice necklace! Lex gotta have his bling! Lex says, "You're not real." Li'l Lex keeps standing by the fire as Lex pours a drink. Li'l Lex says that Papa Luthor was mean sometimes, but he always loved them. "Get out of my head," Lex says. He screams it. "You shouldn't have done it!" Li'l Lex screams back. "I had no choice!" Lex answers, throwing his drink at the boy. Li'l Lex has disappeared, but the fireplace flares from all the liquor. Lex, wild-eyed, tries to compose himself. Dude, you had lots of choices. But the season draws to a close. I guess you chose to be a dickweed.

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Smallville

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