Smallville

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Omar G: B+ | Grade It Now!
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Farewell, Sweet Bastard

Commercials. The Victoria's Secret models keep getting younger and I keep getting older. That's supposed to be fair? Also, there's some sort of Kara animated adventure available on Sprint phones, but I'll be damned if I give a damn.

Papa Luthor's office. Sad soap opera music plays as the camera pans across the top of his desk, where an opera CD, some keys and his glasses lie. Two lines of police tape form an X over the open window and that's sure to prevent anything from falling out. A searchlight keeps moving across the open space. We see Clark standing in the office, looking at the murder scene. If he's X-raying the place, we don't see that. Clark breaks into Papa Luthor's vault. Among all the priceless treasures on multiple shelves, Clark finds something glowing. Beneath a vintage copy of Beyond Good and Evil by Freiedrich Nietzsche is a sort of metallic Kryptonian tube. On it are carved symbols. Clark reaches to grab the object, which is shiny. As soon as he touches the thing, the symbols light up. It holds 5,000 songs, and syncs with iTunes, Clark. Use it wisely. The hexagonal tube bears a message. Clark reads: "For Kal-El in the event of my death." Gee, I wonder who it's for. Clark twists the three parts of the tube until more symbols light up and a shaft of white light appears. This is pretty phallic right here, folks. Clark should totally wave it around and make lightsaber noises. The flashlight-looking thing also works as an HD projector. On the wall, shifting lines of Kryptonian text are shown. Papa Luthor's voice saves us from having to hear Clark read it out loud himself. Papa says, "In my lifetime, I've known many famous and powerful men: presidents, sultans, kings..." Lou Ferrigno. "And I believed that I was superior to them all. But I've come to know the truth, Kal-El. My greatest accomplishment is that I have dedicated myself to protecting your life and serving you. For that, I am grateful. Bu if you are reading this, it means that I cannot protect you any longer from a terrible truth." You are so totally gay, dude. Live with it. You're here, you're queer, get used to it. "Two lockets exist -- two." Now, come on. Do you really think he repeated the word, "Two" in Kryptonian? Anyway, he concludes with: "Each one has its own key. These keys used together unlock the secret of controlling you. You must find the keys, Kal-El, or your destiny will fall into the hands of another man. You must save yourself." The words float across Clark's face and eyes. What, no salutation at the end? "It's been real, homey." Or "Later, star-gator?" Clark thinks falling into the hands of another man sounds kind of nice.

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Smallville

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