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Gay In The Water

I think we're going to have a gay old time this week.

Before the show begins, we get a very tiny tribute to Christopher Reeve showing a small scene of him as Dr. Swann. Now I know a brother just died Sunday night and they only had three days to get it together but, damn! It's short. Like, short enough for you to say, "Hey, they're doing a tribute to Christo-- oh."

We begin at Smallville High football field. I have a feeling this location is going to become as familiar to us as the hospital has been in the last few seasons. The football team is doing a scrimmage, and the football has a big black Nike logo on it as the first shot of the episode. Not to harp on the Christopher Reeve thing, but the Nike logo gets almost as much screen time as he did. Blonde cheerleaders do their high-pitched squealing as a player hikes the ball. We get an Under the Ass view of the play. The quarterback steps back. A lineman on the yellow-shirted team runs right past him. The quarterback throws. And it's caught! Wheee! Something else besides football is going to happen soon, right? Ryan Seacrest-like luvahman Jason Teague calls out encouragement to his team, advising them, "Find your man." Take out a personal ad, visit -- anything, people! Your nutsacks aren't getting any younger. One of the cheerleaders yells for her favorite, "Ken," to, like score or something.

Mopey Man About Town Clark Kent sits, watching. Jason comes over to Clark and asks how he's doing. "Just enjoying the view...from the bench," Clark says bitterly. Clark, you are a total bitch. First you want to be on the football team. Then you get on. Then you want Bo's approval. And you get it. Now you want to be Joe Superstar your first week on the team? Clark is the whiniest motherfucker on the planet. Dudes standing in grapes in Napa Valley are like, "Clark Kent? Now that's whine!" Jason gets down on one knee and talks to Clark the way you would an extremely immature four-year-old, explaining that Coach Quigley (Le Q.!) is old-school and already has his squad picked out for the year. He asks Clark to hang in there. Clark pouts some more. Perhaps Clark could entertain himself on the bench by playing with his massive vagina.

Two football players -- one shaven of head and the other blondish -- give each other some dap. "Nice catch, buddy!" Baldy says. Blondy says, "It's all about you and me, bro." Did you just...? Was that just...? Aw, never mind. The two of them bump chests. Huh. That seems a little. You know, spirited. Happy, almost. I know there must be a synonym for what this looks like. Maybe I'll think of it later. A blonde cheerleader comes up to Baldy and tries to give him some affection. He tells Mandy to get away from him and pushes her aside distractedly. That's weird. The guy pushes aside a clearly available and wanton girl because he's too busy having it be about him and his bro. How odd. The girl follows him, asking what they're doing Saturday night. Baldy Quarterback says "we" aren't doing anything. We're not? I'm disappointed. He says he's hanging out with Nate and the boys. You know who else used to hang out with all the boys? The Village People. But that's neither here nor there. Let's get back to the drama. Baldy says, annoyed, that he must have told Mandy that before. Cheerleader Girl says that's fine and she just wants to make him happy. She hands him his drink, which looks like glowing green Gatorade in a squeeze bottle. Several cheerleaders clumped together (A "Cheerleadeor" for a large clump, "Cheerleadeorites" for smaller ones) watch. Some of these cheerleaders are clearly strippers in real life. Baldy opens his mouth and puts the nozzle to it. That's it! I know what's going on! It's gay! Gay, gay, gay! Why didn't I see it when its throbby, veiny self was right up in my face? The gay is back! As if to prove the point, the camera shoots right into Baldy's mouth like, uh, a liquid shooting substance and goes right down his throat. Somehow his mouth is connected straight to his heart because we see it pumping. The heart beats faster. We zoom back the hell out of there and out through his eyeball. Baldy Quarterback is watching the blonde cheerleader and she's bathed in white light. She's a crappy Everclear video! Baldy blinks a bit. Like Clark, he's suddenly grown a vagina. Not that there's anything wrong with that. "You know what?" Baldy tells the cheerleader. "Screw the guys." It's not necessarily present tense, is it? Maybe he's just telling her his itinerary. "1 PM: Screw the guys. 2 PM Mop up. 3 PM: Cuddle and nap." Baldy suddenly has an interest in Mandy. He kisses her and tells her he wants to hang out with her on Saturday night. She asks why they should wait till Saturday when they can go shopping now. "You're on, baby," he tells her. He says he's going to hit the showers. As she walks, Mandy gives a thumbs-up to her cheerleading homie-ettes. They giggle.

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