Smallville
Devoted

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Omar G: B- | Grade It Now!
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Gay In The Water

As Baldy is leaving the field, Jason asks where he's going. "Yeah, I'm going shopping with Mandy," Baldy tells him, flutting his eyelashes like the clotheshorse he is. "You what?" Jason asks. Mandy says she'll wait in the car, and walks off. That must be one short shower he's planning. Jason watches the girl in amazement. "You checkin' out my girlfriend, buddy?" Baldy asks. Jason asks what he's talking about. Baldy just frowns at him. He walks off. Jason warns him that if he leaves, he's riding the bench Friday night. With Hector. "Yeah, bite me, dude," the sound guy loops in clumsily. I know Baldy's not saying that. Jason turns and tells Clark that a spot just opened up. He asks Clark to "hop in there. Got get 'em." Jason then tells Clark that he'll need "one of these." A football? Man, this game is hard! Clark excitedly runs toward the field, but is stopped by two oafs. They tell him not to get too comfortable, and that Baldy is the team's quarterback. Two guys in a row bump shoulders with Clark. Shouldn't his Shoulder of Steel knock them to the ground? The boys vow to "get him." In the ass?

Clark bends over slightly and reaches in to hike the ball. "Blue! 19!" Clark yells. In a hilarious bit, the guy with his ass, balls, and taint being tickled by Clark turns and says, "I'm not the center, you jerk." Ha! Clark moves over one spot to the right to hike the ball, legitimately this time. Loud speedy music plays as Clark leans back, spins and tosses a long pass. It sails nice and long, just the way Clark likes it, into the hands of a receiver, who scores. Jason looks impressed. Clark is lovin' it. A football career is born.

"Boy's Locker Room," a sign says. Just one boy? Man, this school district has tons of money. Jason is sitting on a bench with backlighting and dramatic steam behind him. You know that song "Sunglasses at Night"? This is the video for "Shoelaces at Mid-Afternoon." Loud Tony Hawk's Pro Skater-sounding music plays throughout, giving me a slight headache. A shotgun peeks around the corner and shoots. Lee Harvey, NO! Jason somehow notices the shotgun and dodges as it takes out a chunk of wall behind him. The shotgun fires again. Jason -- apparently reverting to his instincts honed back in 'Nam -- keeps dodging shotgun blasts. Obviously, this would-be assassin hasn't played Doom III yet. Jason dodges yet again and finally hits the floor. The gunman is Baldy Football Dude from before. Don't worry about knowing his real name. He won't be around much longer. Jason finally gets up and tries to talk to the lad. "Whoa, whoa!" he says, and suddenly there's reason in the air. Clark walks in, just to join the party. Baldy cocks his shotgun and tells his coach that it's too late for talking. He accuses the coach of flirting with his girl. In slow-motion CGI, we get a Jason's-eye view of the shotgun shells firing toward him. Clark superzips, trailing a cloud of CGI fart behind him, and pushes Jason out of the way. The shotgun shells bust up a mirror behind them. Glass sprays everywhere. Baldy cocks the shotgun again. Clark eyejaculates at the boy. In the locker room. With Clark and Jason on the floor. Dirty! The gun heats up in Baldy's hand and glows orange. He drops it. Somehow, burning his hands makes Baldy go unconscious. We get a close-up of Clark. Shouldn't he have a cigarette after that?

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Smallville

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