Episode Report Card
Omar G: B- | Grade It Now!
Gay In The Water

Lois in the hallway. She comes across a gaggle of cheerleaders. The girls are talking about an upcoming pool party, and Mandy is saying that she's not trading down from a quarterback to a wide receiver. Boys, boys, boys! I'm so glad this show is in tune with all the things that young women in high school think about. The girls tell Mandy that Clark is the new quarterback and that he's hawwwt. Mandy says she'll scope him out. Lois comes up to them and asks Mandy to talk about what happened to her boyfriend, for a Torch article. Lois says she doesn't want to do this stupid article, but hey what are you gonna do, so let's just talk. Believe it or not, that approach sometimes works for interviews. "Yeah, my stupid editor wants me to write this dumb article and I don't see why, but since I'm here...why did you murder your wife?" Mandy says in Mean Girls style, "I wouldn't give that geek rag a quote if it were the last paper on Earth." Lois says sarcastically that she thought it was going to be so insightful. The girls look at her blankly, like, "What's an 'insightful,' bitch?" As football players approach, Lois tells the cheerleaders that their valets are here. Mandy tells Lois she could have another boyfriend like (snap of her fingers). Lois says it's amazing what a short skirt and the ability to run will get you. They run? A girl drops a folder. Lois picks it up. She opens it and it's a report called "The Love Molecule." Lois asks how many cheerleaders it takes to draw a double helix. "You want a quote?" Mandy asks. Lois nods. "Back off...bitch." Whoa! Lois gets shoulder-shoved twice. "Just got my headline," Lois says, apropos of nothing.

The Barnness of Hornytude at night. Clark walks up to the loft. Chloe is sitting on his couch in his football jersey and nothing else. Yowza. I don't know what it is about the girl-wearing-boy's-shirt thing, but damned if it doesn't work every time. Now, about it being a football jersey...that's a little more complex. Chloe knows how to push Clark's gay pink buttons. Clark asks what's going on. Chloe just pats the couch. Clark sits, but far away. Chloe says casually that she's been thinking about her priorities. She says they're screwed up. She sidles over to Clark and asks who needs The Torch if he's not gonna be there. "Right," Clark says awkwardly. Chloe says she wants to make Clark her A-#1. Clark gives her a funny look. "I would do anything for you," Chloe says. She moves even closer. "Things that Lana would never do!" I think she's talking about blowjobs. She's talking about blowjobs, right? I could be wrong, but I think she's talking about blowjobs. "Things to help relieve your stress," she says, putting her hand on his chest. Blowjobs! Clark asks, "Like what?" Chloe moves her hand from his chest down toward his crotchal area. Oh, I was totally wrong. She's talking about handjobs. Well, see there I think she's wrong because I think that's Lana's primary modus operandi. But perhaps I digress too much. Clark takes Chloe's hand away and pats it like you would for prayer. He asks if she's feeling all right. Dude, way to lose out on a handjob. Chloe says she's never felt happier. She straddles him. "Can't you see? I'm devoted to you! I love you, Clark." She kisses him. A lot. Whee! We go to commercials.

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