Smallville
Devoted

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Omar G: B- | Grade It Now!
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Gay In The Water

The field. Cheerleaders. You know, those uniforms aren't really their colors. The players stop in the middle of their jumping jacks and get ready for their scrimmage. Clark sees Lana sitting on the bleachers. He goes over to visit and asks what she's doing there. She says she heard Clark was the new quarterback, and had to see it for herself. Lies, lies, lies! There are fewer lies among major characters on Alias! Clark is flattered that Lana came to see him. She looks away. "It means a lot," Clark says. Jason notices Clark getting his schwerve on and pissily asks him to join the team over here at practice. Clark, smiling goofily, looks over, but doesn't do what the coach says. Lana says that the new assistant coach seems like he's working Clark pretty hard. Somehow, Jason is immune from The Gay. It's like he's got Gay Kryptonite in his pocket. Maybe it's a NASCAR season ticket. Clark tells Lana that the new coach has been pretty cool, actually.

As Clark walks back, more girl troubles. Lois wants to know what Clark did to Chloe, because she's acting freaky. Clark says that Chloe is the one hitting on him. Lois thinks he sent some sort of hetero signal. Clark is annoyed and gearing up for a big game; he wants to talk about it later. Just then: Chloe runs up, waving pom poms and wearing a cheerleading outfit. Yow. The only thing Chloe could possibly do to top the jersey and the cheerleading outfit would be to wear a Wonder Woman costume. She cheers and bounces and bounds. Bravo to Allison Mack for making this scene work. Clark and Lois both look at her as at a gunshot victim. Clark asks what's up with the outfit. He seems not filled with delight. Chloe found the uniform in a storage locker and decided to support her new favorite starting quarterback. Chloe says they can be together all the time. "Yeah," Clark says, filled with dread. Lois looks like she wants to lick something. Chloe asks, "What is she doing here?" She forgets her jealousy, though, when Clark is called to the field. Chloe blows him a kiss and goes to, uh, go cheer or something. Lois says she's taken the "fast train to Stepford." Is that like the "skin boat to tuna town"? Clark asks Lois to keep Chloe away from him. What is she, your beard? Clark says he needs time to figure what's going on. Clark, dehydrated by all this attention from women, goes to drink some of the Kryptorade. Jason comes over to see why the hell Clark isn't already on the field. Clark gasps from the drink and looks nauseated. He says he's feeling sick, and that he'd better leave. Jason basically calls him a pussy. "Are you a leader or not?" he asks. Clark, sick, goes on the field holding his stomach. Jason tells one of the players to pass the word: they've got a "green light on Kent." What is this, Guantanamo Bay? Is it? You can tell me, guys. I can handle the truth. Jason drinks the Kool-Aid, as it were.

It's time for an ass-kicking montage. By which I mean not that it's good, but that Clark gets his ass kicked. By the way, the Team America "montage" song absolutely rules. In fact, just go see the movie. Clark gets sacked. Chloe winces and cheers that it's all right: "Just shake it off!" "How's that taste?" a player asks Clark. Hey, dude, save it for the showers. Jason watches. Chloe cheers incompetently, spelling Clark's last name. The other cheerleaders cheer apart from Chloe. Loud music. More tackling. Clark passes the ball but still gets tackled from behind which doesn't even make sense. More hiking. More severe tackling. "Oh!" Chloe yells after a particularly rough one. Clark, on the ground and beaten, notices the fembot cheerleaders carrying off the big tub of Kryptorade. Chloe keeps cheering, showing some ass. "Go Clark!" she yells. The musical montage ends. Whee!

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Smallville

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