Smallville
Dichotic

Episode Report Card
Omar G: C- | Grade It Now!
YOU GRADE IT
Twin Heads Make One Big Ass

Hello, God? It's me. Omar G. I've never asked you for much in these recaps. But then, I've never had to recap something with Jonathan Taylor Thomas in it. Can you help me? Even though I'm about to walk through some serious Valley of Shadows shit, I promise I will fear no evil. Amen.

Hey, this is my thirtieth Smallville recap! We open (fearfully) on an Industrial Arts class. Folks with torches, heavy aprons, and masks are making birdfeeders and ashtrays. True story: I took shop class in seventh grade and made a little fingerboard half-pipe out of sheet metal and solder. For the life of me, I still can't imagine what adults were thinking giving acetylene torches to seventh graders. Back to the show: One kid is carrying what looks like brass knuckles for a two-fingered giant. Pete, in a yellow shirt, is striking a pose like The Thinker as the blobby shop teacher holds up a silver eight-inch-or-so letter "S" in front of Clark's chest. The letter is shaped just like the one in the Superman logo. Man, cheese this early will surely constipate. The teacher asks what it's supposed to be. Clark says it's for Smallville High. He says he thought the school logo could use an update. "Your form could use a little function," Shop Teacher Squat tells Clark. Clark has no idea what that means. Pete does an "I told you so," and says you can't miss with a candlestick holder. He holds up a silver candlestick holder that must take up about a square foot of table space.

A little ways off, Squat is telling another student, "You call this a letter opener?" Naw, holmes. He calls it a shiv. And he will cut you, man. You dig, cabron? Cut you! Cut you... For the first time, we see Jonathan Taylor Thomas, who looks like a shaggy, young Val Kilmer, pre-Top Secret. This kid is not Mel Torme. He's wearing a green shirt, by the way. Squat lists the ways in which this is a sub-standard letter opener. For one thing, it doesn't open letters. For another, it -- UGH! ARGHH! (See? I told you, man. Cut you!) Tool Time Boy (who, for simple purposes of brevity, I'll just call Tool Boy) asks if he's going to be graded down for this. Squat says that Tool Boy (I like the sound of that already) is going to get the grade he deserves. Tool Boy says he did the work and came to every class. Squat says that attitude and effort also count. And diction. And pronunciation. And not drooling when you talk, Sylvester the Cat. Squat walks away, leaving Tool Boy to look down into the abyss that is his drool cup. The bell rings. Squat tells the class that most of them did well and that grades will be posted Thursday. He shoots a nasty look at Tool Boy. Tool Boy sad.

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Smallville

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