"Glad to see business is booming," says Lex as he walks in. Lana says it's not easy when your regular customers blow you off. Lex denies it and says he's been eyeing things. "Waiting for me to fail," Lana says. Lex says most ventures fail. "I thought you didn't like to lose," Clark says. Lex says it's not his fight. Lana asks what she should do. Lex says that the Beanery has declared war, and that she needs to get creative. He says she has to get her hands dirty, but not illegally. "To quote The Godfather, it's time to go to the mattresses." Lex isn't over forty. And I got tired of this Godfather-speak when it was played out in You've Got Mail. Lana says The Godfather should be banned from basic cable. Lex looks after Lana as she leaves. Clark smiles and shakes his head. "Don't ask," he says. Lex looks puzzled.
School. Gangsta bitches are handing out buttons for their girl, Felice. Felice, wearing cyan, is interrupted by Bee Girl. Bee Girl says she's made a decision. Felice asks if she's dropping out. Bee Girl says that Felice needs to drop out. Droll laugh. "Trust me. That's not going to happen," Pig Girl says. She says she's the front-runner. Bee Girl says that's because the school is full of drones who don't know what a qualified candidate is. She says it's like a hive with two queens, and that one always goes down. Do you mean homecoming queens and "going down"? Because I've heard that same rumor. "You know what? You're a freak," Felice says. Um, you mean "kryptofreak." Get it straight. Bee Girl says she tried to ask nicely. Felice gets into her car and drives away.
Oh man. This scene's going to be a tough one. "Gabby, you're the best part of my day," says Lex. He's face-down on a massage table. Shirtless. Calm down, calm down! Get back! Put down the camera! And that liquid substance! Chill, 'aight? Lex gets up. Oh Lord. Almost-nipples. He notices that it's not Gabby, but that crazy, slutty reporter. She's wearing a little white masseuse top and has her hair up. Even Lex's massage table has a purple cushion. Lex says it's time for her to leave. Nipples! Lex nipples! ReporterHo rubs more oil on Lex's back and asks if people always do what he asks. "Of course." Yeah, RH, have you seen the forums? ReporterHo asks if she's doing a good job. "Lucky for you," Lex says, and lies back down. Little tip, folks. Journalists? We give the best massages. Our hands are busy typing all day. She says she knows what'll tempt Lex. He moans. She says it's not the cover article, but a headline that says "son outshines father." Reporters don't usually write their own headlines. Just so you know. "How am I doing?" she asks. "A little lower," Lex says. I expect her to say, "How am I doing?" in a lower voice. Lex guesses that she's been promised a column of her own if she can land an interview. Lex moans some more. Please turn off your TVs for a bit, lest they overheat and explode. She asks if her chances are above average or "below." When she says "below," her hands disappear. Lex grunts and says he likes persistence. Especially five persistent fingers rolled up in a closed fist. She reaches for her tape recorder with her oily grotty hands. Lex stops her. "I paid for an hour," he says. Busted! Go on, ReporterHo. Get those fingers working again. Lex smiles.