Exile (1)

Episode Report Card
Omar G: B | Grade It Now!
I'm A Hustler, Baby

Commercials. Kristin Kreuk has had blackheads? I don't believe that, Neutrogena. Stop with your dirty lies. Oh and a Smallville DVD commercial, too. And no, I don't own it yet. But I do have Alias, so nyah. And on top of that, there's a KTLA (Los Angeles WB station) Smallville season premiere party happening. You get bonus recap material right here as the show takes over even the commercials: Mindy Burbano is onstage with John Schneider (is this the first time I've used his real name in a recap?), and he looks quite the stud in his grayish/brownish suit and yellow tie. Mindy yells really, really loud at the crowd asking what they think so far. They cheer and hold up posters of Tom Welling. John points to someone in the crowd holding up some Superman underwear. He grabs it and holds up the blue underwear, giving the camera a suave over-the-shoulder eyebrow raise. Mindy yells so much that John doesn't get to say a damn thing. Just as they go back from commercials, John is able to get in, "We're having a wonderful time!" That's it. Back to the show.

Back on Pleasure Island, Lex is futzing with his beaten-up silver compass. He's using it as he walks along, his pants slung dangerously low on his exposed hips. And again: Lex? Buff. And also very dirty right now. Lex bends down next to a little pool of water, washes his face, and then drinks. I'm pretty sure that's not healthy at all. Doesn't he have some water boiled? Maybe that's why he's got all those open sores. Lex looks up and notices something. There's a piece of glittery jewelry with the letters "LL" linked together. Lex pulls on the chain and up pops a gooey skeleton! You were totally drinking a corpse cocktail, Lex. Cheers. Lex jumps back. Scary! Then Lex goes back in the water, with his bare cut-up feet, and pulls on the chain again, bringing the skeleton back up by the neck. Lex could stand to be a little more Howard Hughes when it comes to germs. Lex then handles the even-more-gooey skull and notices that there's a huge slit on the top of the head, just about hatchet-sized. "Lex! I'd like you to meet my dad!" says Lewis, who is standing nearby and watching. Lex, looking scared and apprehensive, says that Lewis killed his father. Lewis calmly explains that it was inevitable, and that only one of them could survive. Bad volleyball! Bad volleyball! Lewis says that his dad was rich and powerful and always criticizing him. Lex darts his eyes around. Lewis picks up the corpse, also by the neck, and talks at it, tapping the jaw with his huge machete. Lewis busts out with the crazy eyes. Then he goes for the tears, sadly telling Lex, "I thought we were kindred spirits." That was just rock pillow talk, baby. "No, Lewis," Lex says, "you're a psychopattttthhhh," and spits all over Lewis. Lewis blinks and says there's a psychopath in all of us. Like Tom Sizemore? Huge psychopath living in there. Betty White? Very small psychopath; you'd barely know she was even in there. Lewis says he let his psychopath out. He suddenly lunges at Lex with the machete. Lex dodges and then runs away, arms flapping, just like Anna Faris when she'd run away in Scary Movie. Seriously, Lex, I know you're in murky water with constrictive pants on, but learn to run like a man. Even if it means a machete wound to the head.

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