Exile (1)

Episode Report Card
Omar G: B | Grade It Now!
I'm A Hustler, Baby

Metropolis. Club Atlantis. The beats are a-bumpin', and the girlies are hot. Clark leads Lana through the crowd. She looks completely out of place as the music chants about "the back room." A very enthusiastic waitress passes with a tray over head and says, "Hey, what's up, Kal?" Lana asks why the waitress called Clark that. Clark, smiling, says it's his secret identity. In posh high Metropolis society, he's also known as Sir Cheesesworth. Lana stops Clark with a shove to the shoulder and says she's been worried about him for three months while he's been in nightclubs. And her point is...? Clark -- now wearing a red t-shirt -- says she's cute when she's angry. And when she's helping rid the world of unsightly blackheads.

Clark tells Lana, as they arrive at the bar, that if she keeps talking about "Hicksville," she's going to be on the next bus back. Yay! Can we send her somewhere else instead? Clark says he thought Lana was here to have some fun. The bartender -- who suddenly looks like Siegfried and/or Roy with his huge smile (memo to Roy: get well soon!) -- gives Clark some mad hand-shaking in greeting. Lana says she's sorry, and tells Clark she's going to go freshen up. Could her face be any fresher? Clark stops her, tells her she looks great, and leans in for a big kiss. Go Lana with the open-mouthed! Clark says he's glad Lana's here. Lana says she is, too, although she says it like she's telling someone he has terminal ass cancer. Lana scampers. What's that huge thing on the back of her head? Does she really need a vast network of pulleys and weights to keep her hair situated? The bartender does his Isaac routing, giving mad props to his white friend on how he understands why Clark was "saving himself" for Lana. It must have been the kiss. Much like in Pretty Woman, Clark never let himself be kissed when he was hustling. Lana, away from Clark, is dialing her phone. Her speed dial menu: "Aunt Nell, Chloe, Kent's [sic, and ha!], Lex Luthor, MIKE HOLM [who?], Pete Ross." She's using a Verizon phone, in case you didn't get that the show is now a total whore for that particular phone company. Because this is fantasy, the phone works perfectly in the club, and Bo Duke answers. Lana tells him she found Clark. Bo warns Lana that Clark is not himself right now. MamaKent, carrying packing boxes, rushes over to figure out what's going on. Bo tells Lana he's on his way, but not to try to stop Clark if he wants to leave. Lana turns and there's Clark, asking who Lana's talking to. Clark pulls the phone and asks who it is. Bo -- with MamaKent struggling to share the receiver -- answers. Clark's smile fades. He asks about the farm. Bo says that he and MamaKent love Clark very much and want him to come home. Clark purses his lips sarcastically. Clark tells Bo to admit that they're happier now that he's gone. Bo denies it. Clark says he's not their son, they're not his parents, and they never will be. Harsh, dude. Even for Evil Clark. He throws down the phone. Hey, watch the Verizon merchandise, Clark! Lana asks Clark what is wrong with him, and says that his parents love him. "I love you," she says. Yeah? Well, who's MIKE HOLM? Clark asks if she always betrays the people she loves. Yeah, pretty much. Is that a surprise? Clark walks past Lana. She tears up, but her makeup is still in place.

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