Exodus (2)

Episode Report Card
admin: C+ | Grade It Now!
Never End a Season With a Motorcycle

It doesn't seem all that long ago when I was at my high-school graduation and you had all the smoking kids and the student-council kids and the drama geeks standing in little clumps on the football field, but then they played that Boys II Men song, "End of the Road," and everybody got emotional and gathered in a circle, hugging and singing along. It didn't matter who you were; band geeks and preppies and yearbook snobs all bonded together. And so it is with this episode. We made it through another season, folks. And whether you're a HoYay!-er or a Naysayer, a Lana Lover or a Chloe spine donor, a Lexian or totally Clarkified, it's time to stand together at the end of another year and say: Hey, this finale wasn't all that great.

But I digress. In fact, let's just call this entire recap one big digression. Like the episode it's based on.

Previously on the season finale: Clark and Lana kissed; Chloe saw it all. Professor Snideface, perhaps as a personal favor to me, woke from his brainbusted coma and told Papa Luthor and Lex that Clark is destined to take over the world. Lex broke into Dr. Dropkick's office and stole the vial of Clark's blood. The wedding was off. And Clark stepped into the orange glowing light of the storm cellar after a voice told him that "the day is coming."

We pick up right where we left off, with the glowing orange light of the storm cellar and the blissful ignorance of everyone in a mile radius. Down in the cellar, Clark is squinting against the orange glow. Whatever's down there also brought a wind machine with it. It's the spaceship! It's glowing like an ad for Target. The space voice says, "Fear not, Kal-El." Clark yells at the ship, "Who are you?" The ship is "Jor-El." And Jor-El comes with a five-year, 50,000-mile warranty. The ship turns and faces Clark. Clark, still yelling over the din (wanna turn that down, dad?), says he thought his father died. The ship stands up, just to show that it can, and says that it's Clark's dad's memory and his will. Couldn't he have just sent a lawyer from his estate? The ship says it's there to guide Clark through all the days of his life. No one will notice Clark walking around everywhere with a giant yellow ship following him, telling him what kind of sauce he should get with his teriyaki chicken. The ship somehow sheds its exterior and turns into a floating metallic egg. Completely and totally unnecessary. I think the special-effects guys just wanted to get their Benjamins on. The ship blabs about how when Clark arrived, he carried the hopes and dreams of his people. The ship pronounces "hopes" the way Lorne Michaels would.

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