Aw, little Clark Kent is growing up! He went to his first strip club, encountered his first set of boobs (remember, Lana's don't count), and even scored a lapdance from the girl who's already living in his house. Sweet maturity! But, I get ahead of myself. Chloe and Lois, hanging out in the basement of The Daily Planet, get a call from a panicked woman seeking a reporter's help. They go, but the woman in the red dress is run over right in front of them. They find out that the girl worked at a strip club and might have been murdered by human traffickers. Before you can say, "Let's stomp Joey in the ratings!," Lois has donned a star-spangled stripper outfit and clear heels to investigate. Oh, Al and Miles. How far down the story ideas list was this episode when you hired Durance? #1? #2? While that's going on, Bo Duke's old buddy (a rapidly decomposing Tom Wopat) comes to visit. He's a state senator who fell in love with the murdered stripper, who was actually killed by a diplomat's son who totally borrows "diplomatic immunity!" from that Lethal Weapon movie. Senator Wopat may not have killed the stripper, but he's married and running against Lex Luthor, who suddenly has ambitions to be a politician, so, dude's gonna lose. Lex and Clark clash over Wopat, who was one of Clark's childhood heroes, but in the end Lex turns out to be pretty noble about the whole thing, not spilling dirt of the senator's shenanigans to the press. Nevertheless, the senator drops out of the race when he realizes he's just a hollow shell of a former TV star...er, I mean "politician," and urges Bo to run against Lex. Chloe gets her first tiny reporter's byline in The Daily Planet, Clark scores his first hetero-wood, and we get about five thousand Dukes Of Hazzard references. I'm sure some other things happened in this episode, but, you know...boobies.
It took us nearly a hundred episodes to get here, but finally, we have arrived. It's the obligatory "Titty Bar Episode" that we all knew, deep down, would someday arrive if we were only patient and waited out Clark's growth from dumb adolescent to only slightly less-dumb adult. We kind of knew it even more after they hired Erica Durance.
"The Titty Bar Episode" begins not at a titty bar, but at The Daily Planet. Sly move, that, Al and Miles. An orange version of a spinning Planet logo appears on a computer screen. We back away and pan to a ringing phone -- one of those multi-line jobs. Dude, my newspaper still has us using huge beige phones from, like, 1961. If you want to make a call, you have to talk to Madge first and make her connect one cable to another on a big switchboard. If you want to forward a call, you have to have your pterodactyl carry a granite punch card to Madge in his mouth. And then he'll say, "Eh, it's a living!" Chloe, sitting in the newsroom basement in a light-deficient part of the building, answers as the voice of the newspaper's "InfoLine." Isn't an InfoLine usually an automated service? The caller is asking about obits. "Oh, dog obituaries," Chloe says. She tells the caller, with genuine sympathy, that the Planet doesn't really run those. That's ruff. Chloe says bye to the caller. "Die! Die!" says the ever-tactful Lois Lane, who's at another computer nearby zapping aliens or some damn thing. Chloe apologizes. They had a girls' night out planned, but instead, Chloe got called in to take care of "all the news that's not fit to print." Lois, holding an off-white PlayStation controller, is playing a game I can't identify; it look like Wipeout at first, but when it's shown again, it looks like a third-person action game. So...sorry I can't figure it out. Lois snarks that seeing a real reporter in action beats hanging out at the Kent farm. She hands the controller over to Chloe. Chloe says that now that she's swimming in butter, she wants to know what Lois really wants. Mmmm, Chloe scampi.... Lois says she's collecting brownie points because she needs help moving out of the Kents' place. Chloe surmises that Lois went ahead and took the apartment at The Talon now that Lana's moved out. Well played, Wing. ["And I've never even seen the show!" -- Wing Chun] Chloe asks how Lois will ever live without Clark. "One word: 'blissfully,'" says Lois. Lois wonders aloud how Chloe ever had a crush on "Richie Cunningham." Hey, Lois? Sit on it. Lois offers pizza. Chloe says that they're family, so Lois doesn't have to "Tom Sawyer" her to get Chloe's help with the move.