I thought Rutger Hauer had a big head until I started seeing those pre-show promos for Angel. Man, Boreanz, you've got you some cranium there.
We open on the the Smallville High courtyard where a yellow sign reads simply, "Welcome back!" No puns about crows returning to the nest, thank goodness. A gaggle of girls exits the front doors of the school, all wearing yellow, and I wonder for a second if that's Pete's Pussy Posse. (Hey, don't get mad at me. I'm not the Leonardo who came up with that name.) The camera moves to a guy sitting near the entrance draining a plastic canister of water. Homeboy is thirsty. He's kind of pasty and blond, like Beck's little brother. A much tougher-looking kid with boyish dark-haired good looks, asks Pasty Boy if he's coming up for air. "I'm thirsty, is that a crime?" the kid asks. It is in some states if it's semen you're drinking. You know what? Maybe I should start over. I didn't intend for the recap to start off this nasty. Damn you, Smallville! Why must you bring out the perv in all of us? Dark-Haired Buff Boy asks our thirsty new character if he wants a ride home. No, he doesn't. Because he's waiting for someone. Lana Lang, wearing a baby blue top that's scooped low like floor-dwelling ice cream, emerges from the school. He's got a crush on Lana Lang? This is dangerous new territory for the show. Let's hope they don't mess up this remarkable new plot twist. Brunet Dude agrees with me. Thirsty Kid -- who has little tiny dolphin teeth -- says he heard Lana's single again. His buddy asks if they posted that on her official stalker web page. Dude, just pick a fan site. They're all stalking her. Hey, I don't remember if I told this story before, but when I visited Vancouver, some total stranger offered to show me where Kristin Kreuk's apartment was. I declined, wondering why in the world he would offer that, but it just goes to show that even in real life, the girl has weirdos hanging off her like a mummy wedding car trails bandages. The wussy kid says he's not stalking Lana. His friend, who doesn't seem like much of a friend, chides the kid for having her schedule memorized. Lana says goodbye to some friends with a little wave and gets into her brand-new SUV. As if we needed another reason to dislike Lana: She drives an SUV. Suave kid, who has a deep steady voice not unlike a young George Clooney, says she should qualify for Secret Service protection. If she had stayed with Clark, she would have needed secret cervix protection. Oy, vey, it's a dirty recap! I apologize, people. Kid Wuss is oblivious to his friend's words. He walks dreamily toward Lana as alt-crap bangs away in the background. He goes to her driver's-side window and says "Hi." Lana -- who, as you know, hates greetings of all kinds -- gives him a big fake smile and answers "Hi" back before driving away. How is that not totally rude? "Very smooth," Young George Clooney says as he pats his friend on the back derisively. He suggests that in ten years, Pasty Cline will be able to get a whole sentence off. Isn't this the way Clark started with Lana?