Lana, wearing an off-the-shoulder black blouse instead of the usual pink earmuffs, is walking down the hall holding a folded-up note written on loose-leaf paper with "Lana" on it. She walks to the appropriately labeled "Coach's Office" and steps inside. It's luvah-man Jason Teague. Lana giggles, and they kiss. Lana compliments Jason on sticking a note through the vent of her locker. Jason prides himself on being able to revert back to the fourth grade. I'm just gonna say it: I don't hate this guy. He seems like the kinda dude who would drive you home when you've had too much to drink or would kick somebody's ass if they were picking on a girl with massive pimples (unlike, say, certain Big, Dumb Aliens we know of). And, maybe I'm feeling generous this week or the cough medicine just kicked in, but I don't hate Lana with Jason. She seems nicer and sparklier and not all riddled with whispery angst like when she's with Clark. So, here's my idea, Al and Miles: spin that shit off. The Adventures of Lana and Jason, Sunday nights on The WB. What do you think? You could even cross it over with The Mountain and have it be The Adventures of Lana and Jason and Horny Ski-Lodge People. It's a goldmine, I tell you! Anyhoo, Lana says that if they get caught, you know, rubbing the rhubarb, she could get detention. I think it would be a scandal far greater than that. "I could get fired," Jason says, backing me up.
Someone knocks on the door. Jason and Lana break their embrace quickly. It's Clark. "Coach Teague!" he says. Lana gives Jason a freaked-out look. Clark introduces himself and they shake hands. He notices Lana and asks what she's doing there. Well, getting coached on the I-tongue formation, for one thing. Jason lies that the principal (Principal Asskick?) asked Lana to give him the grand tour. Lana is very amused. Lying turns her on, which explains her longtime attraction to Clark. Clark gives Lana the burning thigh sweats by telling her how awesome Jason is. He broke a record at Metropolis University and could have gone pro. So he's, what, about twenty-two or twenty-three? Lana's seventeen? Jason says smoothly that he's now a transfer to Kansas A&M, and that he broke his rotator cuff. I had to take my car in last week to get that fixed. "I guess we're lucky to have you here, Coach!" Lana says brightly. They're enjoying this way too much. Gotta admit, though: doing the flirty I don't-know-this-person thing when you're around someone else who doesn't know you're a couple is kinda fun. Jason corrects her: he's assistant coach. Some dude named "Quigley" is still going to be calling the plays. Unless he goes down under. Clark says he's not on the team. He's hoping to...try out. He says it like they're sending him to Iraq. "You look big enough, sure," Jason says, sizing Clark up. No sexual tension whatsoever on that line, there. Jason seems about as straight as Lex seems curved and crooked.