This week on Smallville! "Kryp/Tuck!" Or as many longtime viewers were yelling by episode's end, "Shit!"/"The Fuck!?"
We open on a large, breakaway "Smallville High -- Home of the Crows" banner, of the kind that football players run through. Do they have a name for those? Banner-rings? Break-throughs? Dambusters? "I'm Not Gay"s? The first guy out of a gate is our old pal Jocko Whitney. Hey! Isn't he dead? Wasn't he less blond? He's in "#14" and a letterman jacket, followed by other hooting football players, some of whom are old enough to have receding hairlines in their sophomore year of high school. Huh. I'm momentarily confused. Did Papa Luthor bring Jocko back to life? Ah, I see. A title card reads, "Freshman Year -- 2001." Remember the fall football season of 2001, right around September, when we were all celebrating and hooting and hollering just like this? Remember that? Man. Good times. Anyhoo, Clark and his Classic Neve Campbell haircut are standing around clapping at the macho procession. "You GO boys!" you can hear him think. Clark thinks loudly. Jocko gets up on a stand and addresses the smallish crowd with a bullhorn. "Whuggu fugoogoogah butter!" Jocko yells. Huh? Closed captioned translation: "Are we going to go to State this year?!" That depends. Which state? "Yeah!" the crowd of under fifty yells. Man, budget cuts for extras is a bitch. Jocko -- who looks about thirty-five instead of two years younger than when he died (HDTV: another bitch) -- asks the crowd who the state champions are going to be. Kansas State? "The Crows!" the crowd yells back. It's almost as if Jocko Whitney knew what the answers would be before he even asked the questions!
Jocko steps down from the platform and asks a "brave freshman" to step up. He asks which "stud" in the audience is a better quarterback than he. Hey, Clark is a stud! And he knows how to make passes at other men! He's good in the pocket! He's employed the shotgun formation before! I got a million of these, people. Maybe I should save a few. Clark looks around all sheepish. "Kent, how about it?" Jocko says, looking right at him. "Huh? Uh, that's okay," Clark says, embarrassed. Jocko asks if he's been too busy milking the cows to try out for the team. Is this before or after Clark met Lex? Because I can probably field that milking question. Jocko demands that Clark show some school spirit. He tosses Clark the football. Clark holds it like a precious carton of eggs. "Am I right?" Jocko says into the megaphone. He asks if Clark wants to take a shot at "the hottest freshman at Smallville High." Who, Jocko? Oh, no, he's talking about Lana Lang! She's sitting at the dunk tank. I know this because it says "DUNK TANK" in huge letters, in case you can't figure out why someone would be sitting on a platform above a narrow pool of water. "Come on, Clark!" Lana yells. We don't actually see her say that, so I'm guessing that was looped in. Clark looks to Lana, and the camera pans down to her green Kryptonite necklace.