Smallville
Facade

Episode Report Card
Omar G: C- | Grade It Now!
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"Kryp"/Sucks

Al: Pan lower! Lower, cameraman!
Miles: Don't cut away! Dammit! You're fired!

Clark, from about fifty feet away, feels the effect of the faraway necklace. If it truly affects him from that far, how was he ever able to share a classroom with Lana while she wore that necklace? Clark's hands shake on the football. "Just take your time," Lana advises. How about three seasons' worth of time in the rickety, beaten-up pick-up truck they called a relationship? Lana advises that Clark can do it. He rears back to throw. "Caw! Caw!" we hear. It's a girl in a goofy black crow mascot costume. She's carrying a basket of what appear to be Easter eggs. Is that Chloe? I really thought this was Chloe at first. "Crows! Woohoo Crows!" the costumed crow yells. Jocko goes over to the poor girl and tells everybody they're going to find out who the "lucky" freshman is this year. Mark Ruffalo Light (and a lot less attractive) comes forward to say it's probably the biggest loser, like every year. "Come on, take it off," he says to the Crow. Dude, you're talking to a mascot bird. Try not to get too sexual here. "Hey, leave her alone," Clark says half-heartedly. It sounds more like a little whine. Like, "Heeeeey! Knock it off, jeez, guys!" instead of a tough demand from the future Man of Steel. He's like the Boy of Bendy Plastic. The girl in the costume has been accosted by two football players. Lana looks concerned but, you'll notice, makes no move to get out of the dunk tank. Not Mark Ruffalo says that torching (or was that "torturing"?) the mascot is a Smallville tradition. No offence, but your traditions suck. He lifts the crow head from he mascot costume. The girl underneath has on Lisa Loeb glasses and has very exaggerated, visible-from-lunar-orbit pimples all over her face. "Scabby Abby!" the mean football player concludes. Huh. I kinda like it. The girl looks horrified. Not Mark Ruffalo holds up the head of the Crow and starts chanting "Scabby Abby! Scabby Abby!" Clark looks constipated. Some folks join in the chanting, but it's pretty weak. These kids would have made awful Nazis. Oh dear, Abby. Abby looks destroyed and runs away. She forgets her mascot head. Jocko ignores Clark and calls for the next volunteer. Clark is sad, but we're not sure if it's over Abby or for missing the opportunity to dunk Lana. I'd be a lot sadder about the latter. I was going to call her Scabby, but that's just too cruel. How about something more elegant...like "Scabrous"? Scabrous runs around a van parked over by the buses and starts to cry. Why didn't they tell her that mascots were subject to ritualized humiliation? You know that major league baseball chicken? That dude gets gang-raped after every game. It's no way to live. Scabrous takes off her glasses and wipes her tears. Pop, pop, pop! She looks at herself in the reflection of the van. I'm not trying to say she's ugly, but...the van just did a rollover to avoid reflecting her face.

Cut to a Weird Science-like wireframe image of a female face. The text on screen reads, "Patient name: Abigail Fine, 2004 Program Initialization." Man, that girl is anything but Fine. "Poor Abby," a voice says, adding that it took three years, but that Abby finally let "Mommy" help her. The image zooms into the computer-generated eyes of the wireframe image. The wireframe fades into the actual face of Scabrous. Scabrous's mother, who is circling around the spooky exam table where Abby lies, says that she's not going to let her daughter waste her senior year like she did all the others. Abby is covered with what looks like a fishskin blanket. "You promise people will like me?" Scabrous asks pathetically. Scabrous's Mom -- uh, MamaScab -- promises that they will, just like they liked did SM. I heard everybody did her mom. She was like communal popcorn at a double feature. With extra butter! MamaScab goes over to a wall panel and pushes a button. She tells her daughter that everyone will love her once they see the real beauty inside. A gnarly-looking whole-body mold comes down from the ceiling. Prepare to mummify! MamaScab looks like she should be on The Young and the Restless. Scabrous winces as the scary device comes down. It's like a plastic cast with tons of sharp metal pokers. MamaScab says her daughter's going to have a senior year nobody will forget. The pokers come down and stab Scabrous right in the damn face in about fifteen different places. She's like a reverse-Pinhead from Hellraiser. Ow, ow, ow!

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Smallville

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