Opening credits. Chloe's back, but it's nothing to shout about: she's got fifth billing behind Jason Teague. Chloe, you really need to have a "come to Jesus" talk with your agent.
We come back to the roar of a football crowd as a football sits in a sad patch of dying grass. An announcer says that the game is tied with five seconds left. A young "phenom" named Clark Kent is leading Metropolis University's big comeback. We pull back to reveal Clark, by himself, on the farm and having a little superstar fantasy. Clark steps back and, as the announcer says, throws a Hail Mary pass. It's a bullet, deep downfield. Clark's pass goes over some fences on a cloudy day. Clark superzips and catches his own pass. Amazing! Why don't we ever see Clark having more fun with his superpowers? He needs to stop being so goddamned mopey and start pulling some really great practical jokes. The Imaginary Meteors win. Clark's feeling pretty proud of himself, considering that there was nobody on defense. Clark notices an old tire tied to a tree. He passes the ball and gets it to sail right through the hole. Nope, sorry, guys. I don't have a joke here. "Nice arm, farmboy!" says Lois Lane, who is walking over from her jaunty little red convertible. I'd say that was a nice trade up from her old SUV. Lois asks about Clark's first game. "I'm not on the team," Clark says, looking a little embarrassed. Lois compliments Clark's arm (she didn't notice it when she was busy looking at his schlong) and says that's usually a "get out of geek free card." Clark says he doesn't consider himself a geek. Lois appears to be wearing a suit jacket made of bathrobe. She asks what Clark does see himself as. "An outsider, I guess," Clark says. Great cheekbones, chiseled physique, male-model looks? Yeah, I can see how Clark would feel so out in the cold in our harsh society. Lois sums up Clark's attitude by calling it a good recipe for wedgies. Hee. Clark sarcastically asks whether he told her how much he'd miss her.
Just then, a camouflage Humvee -- Lois's official dad escort mobile -- pulls up. "Daddy!" Lois says. Don't call him "Daddy"! Call him IRONSIDE! IRONSIDE!, grimacing as if he's had his blood substituted with baking soda, comes over while Lois belittles him. She asks if he doesn't have 3,000 guys to babysit. Well, it's 2,999 now that we sent one of our men to get the shit kicked out of him in Guantanamo Bay and we call it "nanny services" besides that, and...HEY! Lois says she knows she's late, but that she can still make it to campus for orientation. IRONSIDE! tells her to save herself a trip. "Met U." just cancelled her acceptance. Apparently, she didn't have enough credits to finish high school. Say WHAAAA!? Lois can't believe it. "Lo, you failed the last semester," IRONSIDE! tells her. Wouldn't Lois already know this? Wouldn't a concerned guidance counselor have poked her ass with a hot branding iron or something? Is this The Apathetic Universe here? My God, won't somebody please think of the children!? Clark laughs suddenly and inappropriately just as the news is sinking in for Lois. IRONSIDE! gives Clark a Glare of Meaty IRONSIDE! Death. If Clark wasn't super, he'd just melt into an agonizing puddle of goo. Clark stops laughing, perhaps sensing goo-doom. IRONSIDE! steps forward and tells Lois that he's sure Clark won't mind showing her around. "Around where?" Lois and Clark both ask in unison. Smallville High, of course! IRONSIDE! finally cracks a smile. He enjoys tart and implausible plot twists, too. IRONSIDE! isn't made of metal. Well, maybe just his heart. Clark hangs his head like, "Aw. Fuck!" Lois isn't too happy about it either.