Smallville High. It's a new season. In a burst of creativity, the banner creators have put up a new one that reads "WELCOME BACK!" Clever and economical! Lois and Chloe pull up to a nearby parking space in Lois's little convertible. Chloe tries to tell her that apart from a few annoyances (death, attempted rape, Jonathan Taylor Thomas), the school really isn't so bad. Lois complains that it's the varsity version of Dante's seventh ring. It sounds like Dante had almost as many rings as Mr. T. has gold chains. Chloe asks if Lois knows how many people would kill to relive their senior year of high school. Not counting Drew Barrymore? Lois clarifies that it's only a semester. She climbs out of the car. Whoa! Lois-based Chloevage! I would keep those away from sharp objects and small rooms. Chloe says that the only way Lois will complete five credits in one semester is to take an extracurricular. Like, say, writing for The Torch. Lois tells Chloe that the last thing she wants to be is a reporter. Chloe touts the good stuff: uncovering the truth and protecting the public. Lois says that it involves sticking your nose in other people's business. "Like I said, you'd be perfect!" Chloe charms. "It's gonna be great having you here!" Chloe tells her. What's with all the extra lines looped in this week? They really don't sound like they belong there.
Clark is walking down the hallway and spots a posterboard for football tryouts. Flying above a sea of hands is a blue-suited crow with a red cape. Revealed at last! Clark's costume idea comes from a goofy high-school hallway poster. "Hey! The new girl!" says some anonymous person in the hall. That's the cue for a new girl to walk in, wearing slutty clear-heeled shoes and a spotty pink dress made for...you know, those girls. She's a blonde and has that blank Elisha Cuthbert look. It's Scabrous! But now she's Scabrous Fabulous! All the football-team boys dig her milkshake. "Hi Clark," she says innocently as she walks by our "outsider." The football guys are like, "Why yes. I would most definitely hit that. Most indubitably!" Clark says, "...Abby?" It's now "Abigail." Or "Scabrous Fabulous" if you're nasty. Clark tries to be diplomatic with the "I almost didn't recognize you!" without ending the thought, "without a face full of pimples rendering all borrowed face towels a permanent proposition." She says that she spent a whole summer recovering. She hopes her locker is the only thing that stays the same this year. Ew, girl, your locker is ugly! You need to make that shit OVER! And your locker looks fat, too. Clark asks why she did the...uh... "change." Except she has to finish the thought for him. She says she decided she could spend another year being resentful, or she could do something about it. This episode brought to you by The Swan. The Swan: Proudly giving mentally unhealthy women unnatural-looking mouths with a whole new season. Scabrous Fabulous says that it's senior year. "It's our last chance," she says, a little desperately. If this show were just a little bit funnier, it would be Strangers With Candy. The football players continue to gawk unconvincingly. Pssst! I think they're gay. Pass it on.