Chloe and Lois walk by together. Chloe does a "Whoa!" to Lois and says that either Scabrous spent a summer at a silicone farm, or Chloe's been shopping at the wrong make-up counter. Seriously, folks? Scabrous Fabulous does not look fake. The script calls for everybody to talk about her as if she's Pamela Anderson or something, but she just looks clean and pretty, not fake and bulbous. I think they were just in a hurry on guest casting here. Lois asks if she's about seventeen. She says that's like messing with the batter before the cookies are baked. This, mind you, is coming from big-chested Lois. Chloe says that the world is nicer to prettier people and that it's her body and that she can do what she wants. Well, this is a switch. That explosion must have knocked some of the snark out of Chloe. Lois glares at Choe. "WHAT?!" Chloe asks. Lois is surprised that Chloe isn't outraged by a "nipped and tucked" "pod person." Clark walks right up and says he thinks Scabrous Fabulous looks great. Lois scoffs with a facial expression that is disturbingly similar to Dr. Cox's on Scrubs. "What a shocker," she says. Lois says that all of high school is a façade, with people trying to be what they're not. Was that the mission statement for this episode? Chloe says it sounds like Lois has her first article for The Torch. Lois agrees, but only if she gets extra credit. Apple polisher!
Lana, wearing an off-the-shoulder black blouse instead of the usual pink earmuffs, is walking down the hall holding a folded-up note written on loose-leaf paper with "Lana" on it. She walks to the appropriately labeled "Coach's Office" and steps inside. It's luvah-man Jason Teague. Lana giggles, and they kiss. Lana compliments Jason on sticking a note through the vent of her locker. Jason prides himself on being able to revert back to the fourth grade. I'm just gonna say it: I don't hate this guy. He seems like the kinda dude who would drive you home when you've had too much to drink or would kick somebody's ass if they were picking on a girl with massive pimples (unlike, say, certain Big, Dumb Aliens we know of). And, maybe I'm feeling generous this week or the cough medicine just kicked in, but I don't hate Lana with Jason. She seems nicer and sparklier and not all riddled with whispery angst like when she's with Clark. So, here's my idea, Al and Miles: spin that shit off. The Adventures of Lana and Jason, Sunday nights on The WB. What do you think? You could even cross it over with The Mountain and have it be The Adventures of Lana and Jason and Horny Ski-Lodge People. It's a goldmine, I tell you! Anyhoo, Lana says that if they get caught, you know, rubbing the rhubarb, she could get detention. I think it would be a scandal far greater than that. "I could get fired," Jason says, backing me up.