Two dudes playing basketball in California see a meteor fall and create a crater in the ground. They go to investigate. The evil wraith from the Phantom Zone possesses one of them and blasts the other guy. It's Bow Wow (no longer Li'l), and he's angry! How now, Bow Wow? Phantom Bow Wow races across the country, stealing energy from nuclear power plants as he heads toward Kansas. Meanwhile, Raya appears, safe and cute. She tells Clark what an awesome dad Jarnelle was, and that Clark's training should be going swell by now. Oops. Clark hasn't started his training yet? Like we didn't notice. Jimmy James Olsen investigates Lex after sneaking some photos of Lana meeting with Dr. Grohl in the back of one of Lex's many vehicles. It turns out Grohl is scared, and is taking off. He just wanted to warn Lana that she might be in danger, too. Lex, tipped off by Jimmy's clumsy attempt at fishing for info, confronts Lana. They bicker about trust and lies and the Kryptonian coaster and it's just really, really boring. Lana has changed her tune about using the device even though she was just saying that it could save humanity. Phantom Bow Wow comes to Lex's place and uses the coaster as a power source. Doing that turns it to dust, which makes the Lana/Lex debate on what to do with it moot. PBW goes after Clark and Raya, who try to revive the Fortress. Phantom Bow Wow shoots a beam at Raya and kills her, but not before Clark defeats Bow Wow with his mini-Kryptonian Superman Crest. Raya lives long enough to tell Clark she's sad that she won't get to see his training montage. For some reason, she's not able to heal herself from her wounds even though that's one of her powers and Clark does it all the time. I guess they just really wanted her dead. Clark tells MamaKent that he's ready to accept his destiny and that he plans to begin his training...but not before he's captured or killed all the Phantom Zone escapees. So, what...one season? Two?
Just when I thought the San Antonio CW station had cleaned up its act with the closed captioning, here they've disappeared again. Damn you, CW!
A song by Bow Wow (no longer so Li'l) blares out of a tubular boom box as we zip through a dusty basketball court where two guys are playing. Hilariously, a title card reads, "6 weeks ago...Oakland, California." Oakland? Seriously? There's not even any sun out. This looks about as Californian as Kazakhstan. I feel bad for the guy with no shirt on having to pretend he's not freezing his ass off in Vancouver. To my ears, the rap song goes like this: "With my bang and my boom and 40-ought and what what they runnin' my block like a Tinkerbell Popsicle with the ice runny down cold fresh like dis!" See what happens when there's no captioning? One of the two basketball players, with the shirt on, has dreads. The other guy playing one-on-one, without a shirt, is Bow Wow, all grow'd up. I loved your dad on Dancing with the Stars. Wait, that was Li'l Romeo. My bad. The camera keeps flashing to white whenever somebody makes a shot. Bow Wow dribbles the ball and tells his friend he's gotta learn how to tango. See, what's where the Dancing with the Stars thing confused me. He puts a hand on his friend's head, goes around him, and makes a basket with the funky fresh lay-up. Are lay-ups still funky fresh? Did that get stale? His friend tries to make a shot, but Bow Wow is there with the massive rejection. All right, we get it. Bow Wow is a balla'. He makes the O-face as he's getting ready to shoot again. More white flashes. Lots more basketball action. More rap: "With my homies and our Cheez-Its and a cracker real orange. He ain't got it, he ain't got it, that ain't no cheddar skeez." Bow Wow makes a final shot. He flexes his tiny, yet effective chest, balls up his fists and bellows, "AND THAT'S GAME!" I should hope so, young man.
Bow Wow pats his friend on the chest and says, "Guess you won't be dancing with the stars!" More confusion in my brain. His friend is all bitter, like, "I was never invited." Bow Wow tells his friend he needs to pony up. Is that...sexual? Friend of Bow says he's crazy (he so crazy!), and that he wants to try two out of three the next night. Bow Wow, rockin' the education, says he can't because he's going to be studying. Dread Friend says Bow Wow needs to "square [him] up!" You seem plenty square already, my friend. They both hear a boom and turn to their right. They're looking at ground level, yet what's making the sound is far up above in the sky. A bright light breaks into seven pieces and splits into different directions. It looks like fireworks. They turn from the right to the left, which still doesn't seem to line up with how high that thing was coming from. The beam of light slams into the ground nearby, behind a small building and out of sight. Friend of Bow Wow looks stoned and doesn't react. Bow Wow lets his mouth hand open and blinks. Carrying his basketball, he rushes over to see what's up. Friend of Bow Wow is more cautions. "Don't go back there!" he calls. "Don't you ever watch movies?" Didn't you see Roll Bounce!? Roll your ass back here so we can bounce ourselves home! Friend of Bow Wow purses his lips in frustration.