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Baern Again
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Just when I thought the San Antonio CW station had cleaned up its act with the closed captioning, here they've disappeared again. Damn you, CW!

A song by Bow Wow (no longer so Li'l) blares out of a tubular boom box as we zip through a dusty basketball court where two guys are playing. Hilariously, a title card reads, "6 weeks ago...Oakland, California." Oakland? Seriously? There's not even any sun out. This looks about as Californian as Kazakhstan. I feel bad for the guy with no shirt on having to pretend he's not freezing his ass off in Vancouver. To my ears, the rap song goes like this: "With my bang and my boom and 40-ought and what what they runnin' my block like a Tinkerbell Popsicle with the ice runny down cold fresh like dis!" See what happens when there's no captioning? One of the two basketball players, with the shirt on, has dreads. The other guy playing one-on-one, without a shirt, is Bow Wow, all grow'd up. I loved your dad on Dancing with the Stars. Wait, that was Li'l Romeo. My bad. The camera keeps flashing to white whenever somebody makes a shot. Bow Wow dribbles the ball and tells his friend he's gotta learn how to tango. See, what's where the Dancing with the Stars thing confused me. He puts a hand on his friend's head, goes around him, and makes a basket with the funky fresh lay-up. Are lay-ups still funky fresh? Did that get stale? His friend tries to make a shot, but Bow Wow is there with the massive rejection. All right, we get it. Bow Wow is a balla'. He makes the O-face as he's getting ready to shoot again. More white flashes. Lots more basketball action. More rap: "With my homies and our Cheez-Its and a cracker real orange. He ain't got it, he ain't got it, that ain't no cheddar skeez." Bow Wow makes a final shot. He flexes his tiny, yet effective chest, balls up his fists and bellows, "AND THAT'S GAME!" I should hope so, young man.

Bow Wow pats his friend on the chest and says, "Guess you won't be dancing with the stars!" More confusion in my brain. His friend is all bitter, like, "I was never invited." Bow Wow tells his friend he needs to pony up. Is that...sexual? Friend of Bow says he's crazy (he so crazy!), and that he wants to try two out of three the next night. Bow Wow, rockin' the education, says he can't because he's going to be studying. Dread Friend says Bow Wow needs to "square [him] up!" You seem plenty square already, my friend. They both hear a boom and turn to their right. They're looking at ground level, yet what's making the sound is far up above in the sky. A bright light breaks into seven pieces and splits into different directions. It looks like fireworks. They turn from the right to the left, which still doesn't seem to line up with how high that thing was coming from. The beam of light slams into the ground nearby, behind a small building and out of sight. Friend of Bow Wow looks stoned and doesn't react. Bow Wow lets his mouth hand open and blinks. Carrying his basketball, he rushes over to see what's up. Friend of Bow Wow is more cautions. "Don't go back there!" he calls. "Don't you ever watch movies?" Didn't you see Roll Bounce!? Roll your ass back here so we can bounce ourselves home! Friend of Bow Wow purses his lips in frustration.

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