Episode Report Card
Omar G: C+ | Grade It Now!
Baern Again

We cut to train tracks between big buildings where the thing landed. Bow Wow approaches a fiery crater. He's like, "No way!" And still carrying that basketball. Something stirs at the center of the crater. Like a decent maxi pad, it has wings. The thing turns. It's one of the not-so-friendly wraiths from the Phantom Zone! Hey wraith, nice to see -- ACK! It leaps straight at us, which is to say right toward Bow Wow. He finally drops the basketball. Isn't this wraith supposed to be a ghost? Would he really cause a crater in the ground? I guess he takes up mass when he attacks, too. The basketball rolls away. Friend of Bow Wow is there to grab it. "Yo," says Dread Friend, "that's some creepy creepy, man." I'm going to talk just like that. You can call me Two-Time Omar when I say that this show is homo homo, man. Bow Wow, now possessed by the wraith, repeats the line in a low, scary voice: "That's some creepy creepy, man." It is creepy creepy! In a normal voice, he asks, "Where is Kal-El?" 8 PM Thursdays, CW Network. I can understand the confusion. "What-El?" Friend of Bow Wow asks. Bow Wow repeats the question. Friend of Bow Wow can't provide any answers. So Bow Wow blasts him with a large purple beam of energy that seems to shoot for miles. THAT-EL, punk! Friend of Bow Wow has disintegrated into floating, still-fiery ashes. Bow Wow looks ahead, all evil. He walks past the pile of his former friend. Only a ruined pair of probably very expensive sneakers remain. Bow Wow keeps walking. Opening credits.

Commercials. All right, these LeBron James commercials crack me up.

Metropolis...harbor? Wait just a fucking minute. This is supposed to be KANSAS, jerkoffs. What's with this coastline? Can you get fresh salmon here, too? It's a rainy night. Two expensive-looking cars are parked next to each other, facing in opposite directions. The license plate on the black car says, "LEX III." A man in a long coat and carrying a briefcase gets out of one car and ducks over through the rain into LEX III. It's my man, super-sexy scientist Dr. Grohl. Lana is waiting in the car. "Middle of the night. Mysterious meeting. Suspicious briefcase," Lana says. Psst...stop reading the stage directions, Kristin! Lana asks Grohl why he's dealing in all this intrigue. Grohl says that his precautions aren't for dramatic effect. This we already know. Lana asks the doctor if he's in danger. "I think we both are," he says seriously. Grohl hands Lana his briefcase. He says the CDs within contain all his research and theories. "You're quitting," Lana guesses. "I'm disappearing," he tells Lana. Maybe he's made of sugar and the rain will dissolve him. Lana asks if that's not a bit extreme. Like Mountain Dew. Grohl takes a look outside the rainy window. He says that when you're in as deep with the Luthors as they are, you can't just walk away. He then adds they've started military testing. There's still a military here in the U.S.? Lana says Lex didn't tell her that. Grohl adjusts his glasses dramatically, as is his wont. He says there's a lot that Lex probably neglects to tell her. Like how handsome and well-hung Dr. Grohl is known to be. Lana says that Grohl could have just left. Grohl says it's not just himself that he's worried about. Of course, he's got a wife and kids, but the person he's most concerned for is Lana. Lana, Lana, Lana. Even the scientific community has got her back. He suggests Lana get the hell out of Dodge and away from the Luthors. Grohl exits the car. As he ducks out and runs, someone is snapping photos. Cheesy picture border. Someone wearing a hoodie is snapping shots. The camera moves away. We see that it's Jimmy James Olsen. He gets a shot of Lex's license plate.

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