Clark and Kara go to the Smallville Harvest Festival, where Kara decides, after seeing three of America's Next Top Bitches, that she should compete in a beauty pageant. Let's see: you ate your spaceship, your priceless Kryptonian artifact is missing and could destroy the world...why not compete for a crown and some roses? Awesome thinking. Clark and Kara clash on his big brother-like tendencies, and blow up an innocent watermelon as he tries to teach her to control her powers. Lana arrives at the barn on the wings of cherubs, bathed in elemental light and with beautiful music playing. Is this Season 2? She and Clark instantly get back together, even though she pretended to be killed. Clark doesn't seem to mind. Lex shows up later, at Lana's request, and has arranged things so that Lana can come back to town without being sent to jail. Lex offers a divorce settlement, but when Lana says she doesn't want his money, he reminds her that she quietly stole $10 million from him. For her "escape." I guess bad wigs are pricey in China. Lex vaguely threatens to spill the details of her thievery to Clark. For some reason, Lana doesn't want Chloe to know that she's alive, but she walks right out in public with Clark, and nobody seems to notice that the billionaire's dead wife is alive and well. The three whores who pissed off Kara turn out to be thieves who win pageants and can control the weather. They freeze one of their own and try to get Kara to go along with their theft of a treasure map (!) that was in a town time capsule. Kara defeats the evil beauty queens when they almost hurt Clark with Kryptonite. It turns out that the treasure map leads to a Kryptonian S.O.S. symbol buried a hundred years ago. It's evidence that there's at least one other Kryptonian around on Earth. Jimmy comes back to town and, at one point, is saved by Kara. Kara has a huge crush on Jimmy, and he doesn't seem to mind her too much, either. Gross. Chloe is resistant to pursuing news about Kryptofreaks, even though Jimmy now believes everything she used to say about Smallville. And finally, Lex tracks down his angel, Kara, and confronts her with his knowledge about her having saved him at the dam. She denies it. Lex is really disappointed that a Kent superhero won't cop to the truth. He asks whether Kara's a savior or a warning. If this all sounds like the makings of a good episode, you may be right. The end result, however, didn't turn out so well.
So, I was holding my baby just before I started here, and I smelled the foulest odor. I thought maybe she'd laid down an epic spot of poopie-diaper. Then I breathed a sigh of relief...it was just this episode.
We open on a huge orange banner across the main street of town, proclaiming the 100th Annual Harvest Festival. Those crazy sign-making kids graduated high school and got themselves jobs doing banners professionally. Sadly, it's not as rewarding as they'd imagined. After the 50th "Corn Sale!" the thrill sort of leaves you. The camera pans across a sea of orange and yellow. We swoop down to see Kara and Clark. He's taking bushels of corn out of the back of the truck while Kara complains that she's been cooped up in the house watching Project Runway and Beauty and the Geek and now the first time Clark takes her out, it's for a corn festival. I don't even want to think about why Clark has her watching those shows. Clark says it's the town's biggest event (except for all the murders!) and that she should try to enjoy it. Kara, who is wearing an awful red plaid shirt to match Clark's blue one, says they're wasting their time here. Whereas watching Beauty and the Geek was time well spent. She reminds Clark that her father sent her here and that she needs the crystal for her ship. The ship that she ate? Clark says that he's working on it. She complains that the crystal isn't here with all the corn and that she can cover twice as much ground as Clark. Clark tells her that her wings are clipped and that she's not going to be flying. Jealous? Clark says that the people who took her ship are going to be looking for her and that if she uses her abilities, it'll lead them straight to her. Clark, who looks a little bloaty in this scene, tells her she has to fit in. The plaid is a good start. Kara, who kind of has a skeleton's skull shaped head, looks dejected. She sees Jimmy Olsen shooting photos with his expensive-looking Nikon. "How do I fit in with him?" she asks. She traveled twenty-three galaxies to have a crush on Jimmy Olsen? Oh, lordy. This is gonna be a looooong fucking season.
Clark is like, "Who in the WHAT now!?" Kara's eyes start flashing weird and bright. She looks shocked. "Hey! Cool down!" Clark tells her. The pre-female-eyejaculation settles back. Clark, embarrassed, tells her it used to happen to him all the time. Oh the shame! The awful shame! A mayor type unveils a giant slab commemorating some damn thing. Clark explains that there's a town legend about a famous outlaw (who shall remain nameless). He robbed a train and buried the loot in town somewhere. A map to the gold is supposedly hidden inside a time capsule that's being unearthed. Kara X-rays the box. She asks why people in town are excited to open up a box of old junk. Their biggest event of the year revolves around harvesting crops. You figure it out.